i have decided to close communication because...

as many of you already know, i recently decided to brave the world of online dating. this is a HUGE step outside my comfort zone for many reasons, but primarily because most men's ability to be attracted to a woman is very connected to her looks. being overweight, i am not traditionally attractive (and, as i have said in the past, if someone is attracted to me BECAUSE i am overweight, well, that is just creepy in my book). i have learned a few things in this endeavour, and here is my assessment of the experiment thus far:

it is hard to meet people online too.

e-harmony has determined it would be appropriate to "match" me with 316 men so far. i have closed over half of those matches without communicating at all. this is usually because they put something in their profile about how much they want to have sex. it occurs to me that you should only mention sex before you meet someone if it is to say you are NOT interested in it. otherwise, i think it is fairly safe to assume everyone else wants to have sex, too. if his profile includes frequent references to camping (or a great interest in the outdoors), riding motorcycles or quads, and/or lists "keeping physically fit" as one of his best life skills, i close them too. not gonna happen.

so, out of those 316, i have communicated to the point of "open communication" with four. this means we have asked each other 3 closed ended questions, shared our must haves and can't stands, answered 3 open ended questions, and still decided to get to know each other through email type communications. and, to be honest, all 4 of them are not guys i am genuinely interested in - they are practice for the real thing. of that 4, i have only spoken to 1. and gone on 1 date. turns out he is a dope smoker. kind of a deal breaker for me ... guess who changed her "can't stands" to include "i can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs"?? silly me for thinking that was an obvious one! the other 3? after going through the hoops to get to communicate? nada. zip. zilch. nothing. GAH!

there is ONE, count 'em, ONE guy that i am actually interested in ... and i am in limbo waiting for him to answer my questions (not that THAT should surprise me!!)

but really, that is all background to my main point: if i have closed over half and have only communicated with 4, what happened to the other 150-ish matches? as you may have surmised, they closed me as a match without any contact. and hey, i am okay with that. if they aren't interested, why would i want to meet them anyway, right? it the WAY they close the match that annoys me. here are the possible choices:

1. I think our family backgrounds are too different.
2. I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
3. I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
4. I don't think our Must Haves and Can't Stands fit.
5. I think the physical distance between us is too great.
6. I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
7. I am pursuing another relationship.
8. I'm just not ready for the next step.
9. I am taking a break from dating.
10. I would rather not say.
11. This match never responded to my request to communicate.
12. I think the difference in age between us is too great.
13. I think the difference in our values is too great.
14. Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match.
15. Because there are no photos posted/I couldn't see any photos.
16. Because I was put on Hold.
17. Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
18. Other

now, really. unless you are in the communication process and learn something that leads you to close the match (like, say, illegal drug use), you should really be polite and go with my personal favourite #14 (cause really, the only thing you know about me is what is in the profile), or simple be kind and say #18. if it because you are pursuing other matches, then why didn't you turn off "matching"? then you won't get new matches sent to you; if you don't turn off matching, it means you are still hoping to find something better - and i wasn't it. ouch. that is the one i see most often. but the worst one? the hideous #3 - "i don't feel that the chemistry is there". COME ON! we have not communicated in any way shape or form. chemistry is based on all facets of a person. by saying you don't feel chemistry before you communicate with me, you might as well just go ahead and say "i don't like the way you look" - cause it would be more honest and less hurtful. i probably think that because, since it isn't an option, you would have to choose "other" and that is generic rejection. i can handle that.

*sigh* - what we learned in kindergarten IS true - boys are dumb ... on the other hand, i will admit there were a couple that i closed because their pictures made them look kind of "serial-killer-ish" - but at least i said it was because of "other". (grins) ...

seclusion ...

I know that there's a reason why I need to be alone
You show me there's a silent place that I can call my own
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

You know I get so weary from the battles in this life
And there's many times it seems that you're the only hope in sight
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
There's nothing to win, and there's no need to fight

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land
But it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
You don't have to win, and there's no need to fight

If only I could find a way
To feel your sweetness through the day
The love that shines around me could be mine

So give us an answer, won't you,
We know what we have to do,
There must be a thousand voices trying to get through

Supertramp – "Lord Is It Mine"

to my megalumpf ...

dear meggie -

i am beyond words grateful that we have such a great friendship and relationship - in large part because i worried we might not. you see, by the time you born, i wasn't living with dad and your mom anymore. being a teenager sucks, right? well, a teenager, a 2 year old, and a pregnant lady can rarely occupy the same space without nuclear war repercussions! and since my mom didn't have her own place at that time, i ended up moving in with uncle bruce and auntie lyla. we didn't live in the same house until you were 7 years old - and then only for a couple of years.

but i am getting ahead of myself. i will never forget the day when dad, anne and i were in the kitchen and your mom came in and dad looked at her with a question in his eyes. i was starting to get the idea that something was up, when she said to me, "since you complained you didn't get to know about anne first, allow me to tell you before anyone else, that you and anne are going to have another sibling!" it was AMAZING! dad, your mom and i all hugged each other in the kitchen - laughing, crying, and jumping (at least on my part) with excitement! anne was puzzled by the commotion and we just looked at her and thought, "she has NO IDEA how much her world is going to change!"

you arrives on may 3, 1988 and dad made a special trip to my school to tell me about you (you see, this was in the dark ages, before cell phones). i was so thrilled to have another sister! the first one was pretty cool, and i had every expectation you would be as well. but what i didn't expect was how DIFFERENT you would be! not just your looks (which, let's face it, were absolutely adorable - oh, those cheeks!!!), but your personality, character, mannerisms - all of it - so unique and precious.

most of my early childhood memories of you involve babysitting of some sort. this may not be the story you most want told about you, but it was such a revelation to me that i have to share it. one night i was watching you and anne and you weren't feeling well. this was back when you each had those tall beds with play spaces underneath. i had made a blanket in home ec before anne was born, but she fell in love with the blankie that came with her crib set, so mine ended up being used by you - i loved that! this particular night, after you were asleep for about 2 hours, i heard you crying and when i went in you sat up, said, "i don't feel good" (or would have if you had made it through the whole sentence) and threw up. EVERYWHERE. from your bed four feet off the floor. i picked you up, ran to the bathroom and sat there holding you while you continued to be sick for about 5 minutes. then you went right back to sleep. out cold. i cleaned you up, changed your pj's, the sheets, tucked you back into bed, and quickly threw the blankie in the washer & dryer so it would be there when you woke up. then i went and threw up. (smiles) ...i KNEW i loved you before that, but after that night i could say with full honesty that i would do anything for you - and i still would.

your childhood exploits put anne and i to shame - absconding with grandma's lipstick, markers, chocolate, or any other substance you could cover your body in and make a mess out of. but your white-blond curls, lopsided grin, and big blue eyes got you out of any and all situation. no one ever looked cuter in footie pyjamas, grandma's white shoes, or nothing but a diaper!

being apart was hard - the first time i went away was just days after your 6th birthday party, and i missed you so much the whole 16 months i was gone! when i came back, i moved in with you for the first time and really got to know your personality, your strengths and see who you were! and i loved you even more.

your creative mind blew me away - from your alter-ego jake (loved the hat, tie, and mustache you wore to kindergarten for at least a week) to the elaborate scenes you and anne would act out in the living room, i loved your characterizations - and now i (almost literally) pee my pants when i get to hang out with "it's a tribute!" peter!

yer real smart-like, ya know? yup, you gots lots a smartness. because of this you were in the academic challenge class in elementary school and ended up spending 4 years at sir alexander mackenzie - the school you and i share! i loved visiting you there - having lunch with you in your a/c class and checking out your school work. my favourites were the mobile book report you made in the shape of a dog dish, and an interpretation you did of third eye blind's "jumper".

let's take a few minutes to talk about soccer. more specifically, your amazingness in this sport! i have never been able to watch you play without great cringing and an elevated heart rate. i don't know if this would be different if you were a forward or defense player, but the fact that you were in goal - and therefore the recipient of some seriously hard hits - was always a little painful to contemplate. how many concussions have you acquired? do you even REMEMBER!? while no one thing can define a person, i believe the way you excelled at this sport was a pretty accurate reflection of your personality - you are a determined, hard working, fearless, trash-talking dynamo of a player. and and you are that kind of a person too - with a healthy dose of compassion and respect for others thrown in. you have, by far, the best work ethic of us three sisters, and take after dad that way.

you were (and are) so quiet and self contained (read: nothing like me or anne!) that i worried we would never connect as much as anne and i had. all that changed at grandma kitty's funeral. when you and anne came down to the room i was using and we spent hours talking about everything, you finally opened up enough to let me know you WANTED to talk to me more - and we worked hard to catch up. i think your visits to LA and the great road trip of 2007 solidified that more than anything else. and, while it might have been nice to have that sooner, i love everything about how our relationship has evolved.

you are my megalumpf, my baby sister, and - most treasured of all - my wise friend. your listening ear and timely advice have helped me more than you will ever know. you are the family peace-keeper (sometimes to the detriment of your health), and we could never be a complete family without your ability to connect us all.

and you really did have the most squeeze-able cheeks EVER!!

all my love,
catharooni

tryin' to look purdy ...

went to a couple of dances last weekend ... my roomie took some pics of me before i left and i haven't been thrilled with them. but, since my friend lisa is willing to make herself vulnerable, i suppose i should be brave and share these with you. now don't misunderstand me - i do not look nor feel ugly. but i still wish that when i put the time and energy into dressing up i was a little happier with the pictorial results. cause in real life i felt gorgeous!!!


anyway ... glad the roomie took 'em!

how to get on my blog (part 3) ...

my friend laura rocks. the list proving this is extensive, but i will settle for five reasons:

1. even though i haven't been in LA for over a year and a half (gah!), she has made the effort to stay in touch.
2. she is smart enough to do (successful) graduate work at a cool school in so cal
3. she introduced me to the LA times festival of books
4. she married a canadian
5. she is zoey's mom!

and, as a bonus, she posted this cute pic of baby z (that is pronounced z-ee, NOT z-ed) in the gift i sent (another beauty from teachermom). without further ado - here is the adorable wee one!

high 5!

i stole this from laura ... and i am only using obscure answers so you won't feel i am re-hashing stuff you already know ...

5 things i was doing 5 years ago:
1. loving living in so cal ...
2. working for watson wyatt worldwide ...
3. making new friends ...
4. enjoying $12 pedicures ...
5. missing my family and far-flung friends ...

5 things on my to-do list for this weekend:
1. attend "time out for women"
2. beat jodi at dutch blitz
3. have lunch with my mom
4. go to church
5. have dinner with a friend

5 things i would do with a million dollars (after becoming debt free):
1. buy a condo, car, and investments
2. make sure my immediate family has their needs met
3. share with friends who are in need
4. create a scholarship
5. live a life of leisure for 1 whole year without stress

5 places i have lived:
1. akinsdale - also known as "the hood" of st. albert, alberta, canada ...
2. grandin - also known as "ghetto" of st. albert, alberta, canada ...
3. 3450 South, 700 East - also known as the "the hood" of salt lake city ...
4. rutherford heights - also known as the "red deer" part of edmonton ...
5. for long periods of time, my imagination ...

5 jobs i've held (at least for a little while):
1. sandwich maker at "grandma lee's" - got fired when i tried to quit.
2. clerk at a pasta shop - got fired because i was overweight and didn't represent the image the ultra-health conscience owner wanted (jerk).
3. zions bank - got fired when i told my boss she was a liar. she was.
4. front desk at a fitness club - quit when my boss made it clear certain physical activities were required to keep the job (and no, i don't mean bench presses).
5. night front desk clerk at a hotel - quit after learning that the 3rd floor of the hotel was for the strippers to use (their moms and/or babysitters would stay there with the kids while the girls worked) ...

5 years from now i will:
1. be DEBT FREE - except for ...
2. own a condo (no yard!!!) - where? TBD ...
3. be healthier - in every way ...
4. have traveled to a place that isn't north america ...
5. have been in love at least once between now and then ...

please play along - i wanna know your 5's!

a little of this, a little of that ...

it occurs to me that two weeks plus one day is a little too long of a gap in writing on this here blog thing-y. problem is, there isn't much news that is fit to print! life is going well, nothing earth-shattering-ly great has happened, neither has anything horrible enough to rant about taken place. this is quite a conundrum for a blogger like me - someone who wants to have a purpose for a post (it can be a LAME purpose, there just has to be one of some sort). therefore, i present to you a blog post about "having nothing in particular to write about" ... LAME!

* spent an amazing easter weekend in grande prairie alberta with the luckwell clan. played on the wii fit (i ROCK at balance games, and hate boxing with the fire of a thousand suns); learned how to play the card game dutch blitz (i will conquer you jodi, oh yes i will! i can hardly wait for the rematch); ate tonnes of yummy foods (did you know they have an ENTIRE CLOSET FULL OF TREATS!? - it was evil and divine); made 24 adorable cards; and, most importantly, laughed and laughed and laughed all weekend long!!

* have now spent 4 months in my new place with NO DRAMA!! no disagreements, no one being offended, nothing ugly at all ... what a joy to live with people who live and let live (what a joy to be becoming a person who can live and let others live!).

* as of april 30th i have read 26 books this year. this is a little lower than prior years, but january was an unusually slow month on the reading front. i really enjoyed the "odd thomas" series and am eager to read any additional ones dean koontz adds. i am also starting to work my way through his other books - and they are as scary as i was warned! i have really enjoyed the newest offerings from some favourite authors - robert b. parker, janet evanovich, lisa lutz, and j.d. robb. "the count of monte cristo" is still on the shelf and i WILL read it this year!!

other than that, all i can say is that i am keeping busy professionally and personally, and doing a fair amount of deep thinking ... no matter how many times i think i am PLANNING something, i always look back and realize things just sort of happened - but i still believe there is value in starting with a plan! i am currently plan-less and am determining which path to start down next - there are as many choices as there are degrees in the circles i travel in my head while contemplating such things.

until later ...