cath's corner of cyberspace

2012 - ready or not, it's here ...

2012-01-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

as i sat down to put my goals for 2012 on paper, i realized they looked suspiciously like 2011's. and 2010's. and 2009's. and ... you get the picture.

every year i make a list of WHAT i want to DO. this year i am making a list of WHO i want to BE(come). each one will get a more detailed explanation in the weeks to come, but for now, here they are:

12. stop trying to fix other people's problems
11. stop trying to fix other people
10. stop trying to fix myself
9. destroy less
8. create more
7. complain less
6. compliment more
5. find the beauty in everything
4. listen more sincerely
3. smile at everyone
2. go on adventures
1. be happy

each of the these items represents a behaviour or attitude i love or loathe about myself - and i am confident focusing on them more in the days to come will lead to the results i crave. i still have things i want to do - but they are permanent goals (eat healthy, exercise, challenge my brain, socialize, be fiscally responsible); declaring them every year and then, at the end of the year, feeling i fell short isn't improving me.

and yes, some habits die hard - as some of you may have noticed, there are 12 goals for 2012 ... so yes, next year will probably have a baker's dozen.

in conclusion, here is something that has made me happy lately. i lurve him.

2011 in review ...

2011-12-19T17:24:00.001-07:00

i haven't written much this year - i'd like to change that for next year. i miss it, and i don't have the best record of 2011 as a result of not keeping up with this here blog thing-y. but here is a summary of how the goals for 2011 went. next week i trot out the 2012 ones. i don't think there will be many big changes, but perhaps a few modifications.

report card for 2011

1. be early - B-
i was not early for much, but i was MUCH LESS late than i used to be! definite improvement observed from january to december.

2. be scrupulously honest - C+
i did better at being honest with others, but i still am not being as good about telling myself the truth. mostly this means i tell myself negative lies that tear me down instead of build me up. awareness of this was a surprise. i didn't realize how much negative self-talk i engage in.

3. read one quality book per month - C
only about 6 for the year. in fact, my book count is about 1/3 of what is has been the last couple of years. MUST ANNIHILATE THE TELEVISION.

4. journal thoughts and feelings everyday - F
and the scale proves just how much i did fail!

5. audition for 3 shows - A+
not only that, but i acted in 2! and got paid for one of them! AND i'm acting in a 3rd one right now. it was a very good year, theatre wise. i am also stage managing a play that goes up in february.

6. increase daily step average to 7500 and swim at least 1/week - D-
didn't realize how low the steps had gotten until i replaced the battery in the pedometer - i was down to 1800/day! so i have moved that up to 4000/day in the last 6 weeks. i have only gone swimming ONCE this year. don't even get me started on how mad i am at myself for this one. grrrr ....

7. go back to school - INCOMPLETE
plans changed. the job i thought i wanted to work towards ended up being one i don't like. so i am onto another plan. more on that in the 2012 goals!

overall, this leaves 2011 with a grade of C- ...

but here's the funny thing. i don't feel like the year was a C-. i had some really bad patches, and some really good moments. i did more good than harm in the world. i laughed more than i cried. i caused more laughter than tears. i learned and i taught. i gave with a full heart and i took with gratitude. i said "please" and "thank you" and even "no, thank you." i lost some things that i wish i still had, and let go of some things i had needlessly been clinging to. i gained some things i would prefer to not have and welcomed some amazing people and experiences into my life. for me, 2011 feels like a solid B. and that B stands for BRAVED. because that's how i feel about my past year - i braved it and (despite being a little worn out) i won the battle and have lived to tackle another year.

2012 ... it's gonna be epic.

dreams vs. duty ...

2011-07-13T12:51:00.003-06:00

in my perfect world, living my dreams would pay the bills. in my reality, my dreams are lived in volunteer hours.

one of the main reasons i chose to stop pursuing a career as an actor, many years ago, was that i wanted the security of a regular paycheque and benefits coverage - and just some plain old stability (to balance out the life of complete instability i had lived up to that point).

turns out i didn't get that stability anyway. i moved from company to company, city to city, even country to country!

so, a few years ago, i started putting the dreams centre stage (so to speak), and i have been unbelievably happy with that choice. on saturday i will close my 3rd show in 8 months (two as an actor, one as a lighting operator), and i wouldn't want to trade those experiences for anything.

unfortunately, as i have pursued these adventures, i have limited my hours available for work and the corresponding pay and benefits that go with them. by choosing to do contract work instead of working for one employer, i have uncertain employment opportunities, and i have to pay for all my prescriptions myself - among other challenges. after paying off half my debt in 3 years, i am now perilously close to increasing it instead of continuing to eliminate it. i have decreased my variable spending (as opposed to fixed costs - rent, insurance, etc) by HALF of what i budgeted this time last year, and i am still struggling to get by.

not to mention, i ain't getting any younger (as working with a cast that is 1/2 my age with 4 times my energy level has proven quite clearly)!

but ... while i know (and feel) i have a duty to pay off debt and meet all my other financial obligations, i also believe i have a duty to foster and expand my talents and even, yes, give life to my dreams. i have some ideas on how to achieve this, and a plan (short-, mid- and long-range), and i am following it day by day, but how to find that ever-elusive balance is today's big question and challenge.

i am inviting your input - how do YOU balance your dreams with doing your duty?

i'm an idiot ...

2011-06-27T13:36:00.003-06:00

no, really! i am! and i am very good one too. i hope you will come and let me prove it to you ...

let me know if you attend so i can come out and see you after the show!

the help ...

2011-06-21T11:22:00.006-06:00

so. i finished reading 'the help' by kathryn stockett this week. and i have things i want to say about it. normally i like a book. or i don't like a book. or i feel 'meh' about a book. once i know which way i feel, i look for the foundation of the assessment ... dumb characters? brilliant plot? great escape? lame writing?

but 'the help' was different. i thoroughly enjoyed the reading of it. it zipped along and i laughed out loud, i cringed, i became melancholy over some characters' sorrows, and i was outraged at times.

but after i finished it, and reflected for just a short time, i became cranky. not about race issues and the appropriateness of the whole project - as one might justifiably guess about a novel written by a white woman in the voice of 2 black women. no, i was cranky with the two dimensional characters the writer created.

aibileen - pure of heart, intelligent, confident, well aware of the inherent wrongness of her subservient role, but pragmatic enough to perpetuate it without rocking the boat for DECADES; she suddenly reaches a breaking point and risks all - possibly even her life - because of one insult too many? not buying it.

minny - stereotypical, smart-mouthed black maid, whose confidence is on grand display everywhere ... except with her physically abusive husband? not buying it.

hilly - the devil incarnate. at one point aibileen says hilly is a good mother (because she is kind to and hugs her children). i call bs. good mothers do not teach their children to treat other human beings as property. they don't maliciously black-ball and punish others for holding different beliefs. they don't bully and ostracize others because they are different. good mothers come from good people. and as created in 'the help', hilly is NOT a good person.

skeeter - the character closest to being three dimensional, skeeter was the most honest of the characters (which in itself was annoying). she didn't start the project with the grand goal of eradicating racism, but as a way to get out of town. i can buy that. she was ignorant of her hypocrisy, and her sheltered upbringing combined with the two dimensional 'tiger mother' she had to contend with allows me to buy that part. but the whole courting sub-story??? AS IF! even a brain dead southern belle with warts all over her face would have dumped that drunk hunk.

and the men!? they were either abusive, cruel, absent, milquetoast, or non-entities filling in space.

grrr. great idea. weak characterizations.

having said that, i recommend reading it for one reason:

about halfway through, i realized that only 45 years from when the story was set (1963), the united states elected a black president. amazing. less than a lifetime passes and the whole world changed. conversely, a mere 45 years ago ignorant people still believed that black and white people have different germs - necessitating separate cutlery, dishes, and even - in what then becomes a wonderful payback moment from skeeter to hilly - toilets.

books like this are important - in as much as they illustrate how far we've come as a whole and also how short-sighted some people remain.

i feel pretty, oh so pretty ...

2011-06-21T11:20:00.004-06:00

first up after the blog drought? my headshot pic from a few months ago ... i lurve it.

being a better person ...

2011-02-16T12:01:00.003-07:00

the truth is, i am swamped with just existing right now. but i want to do - scratch that - BE more than i am. i stumbled across this article and decided it connected with me enough to share with y'all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Making a change in the world can be an easy part of your everyday life. Here are 10 ways you can make a difference. From Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life by Zoe Weil

1. Commit to the 3 I’s. Inquire, Introspect, live with Integrity. Expose yourself to information and ideas about most good (MOGO) living by talking to and learning from people from all walks of life -- especially people who are also trying to do the most good and the least harm; by reading widely and deeply; by visiting websites aimed at making a difference; and by viewing relevant films. You can find a list of regularly updated websites, books, magazines, and films in the resources section at HumaneEducation.org. Then introspect: identify your values, consider what is most important to you, assess your talents and interests, and seek out ways to put these together practically and productively. Finally, live with integrity. To the best of your ability, put your values into practice.

2. Work for change. Give some of your time, resources, and talents to create systemic change that benefits all. Choose the issues that most concern and compel you, get involved, and relish the joy that such generosity brings to yourself and others. If you can, make your career one that is MOGO.

3. Rethink, Reuse, Repair, and Recycle. As much as possible, rethink your use of products that are unnecessary, inhumane, produced through exploitive business practices, non-recyclable, over-packaged, toxic, and/or unsustainable. When you do make purchases, choose the most sustainable, efficient, humane, fairly traded, and healthy versions. Then reuse what you can, repair what is reparable, and recycle when you are through. And in the midst of these 4 Rs, consider what you could borrow instead of buy, and what you could share with friends and neighbors so that they can better rethink unnecessary products, too.

4. Eat for life. As much as possible, choose plant-based foods produced close to where you live, grown organically, and unprocessed. This will improve your health, the environment, the lives of animals, and the wellbeing of other people.

5. Reduce your ecological footprint. Drive less, carpool, walk, bike, car-share, and use public transportation more. If you need to own a car, choose one with the best fuel efficiency to meet your needs. Choose the most energy efficient and ecologically friendly options for homes, home repair, appliances, lighting, heating, and cooling. Choose your recreation and vacations with MOGO in mind as well: an ecotourism excursion over a cruise; cross-country skiing instead of downhill skiing; canoeing more often than motor boating.

6. Transform education. People need relevant information, tools for critical thinking, and motivation to lead meaningful lives that contribute to a better world. Whether you are a parent, student, teacher, elder, or concerned citizen, help make living sustainably and peacefully the very purpose of education at all levels by engaging in dialogue with lawmakers, educators, and school and university administrators.

7. Invest your money ethically. If you are going to rely on a mutual fund for retirement or college, choose a socially responsible investment fund. Ask for a portfolio and assess whether the company invests in the kinds of businesses you want to support. Seek out community banks and credit unions, and consider micro-lending and investment in social businesses as a means of using your money to help others.

8. Build community. Find others who share your desire to make MOGO choices by joining existing groups or creating your own group, and invite people to join you. You will enjoy the friendship and camaraderie, and help make a difference at the same time. Don’t forget the communities of which you are already a part. Get to know your neighbors, and work with them to make your neighborhood healthy, supportive, and safe.

9. Teach others. Share what you know with others and engage them in the challenge of living a MOGO life by using positive communication that does not judge or blame. Listen as often as you speak. Teaching and learning happen everywhere: one on one, in schools, in religious congregations, at camps, in families, in print and film, at learning centers, on social networking internet sites, at senior facilities, and so on. Model your message, and speak your truth in kind and inspiring ways wherever you are and with whomever you’re in contact.

10. Strive for balance. Set reasonable goals for yourself, and remember that the “most good, least harm” equation includes you. You are a role model for a MOGO life, so find the balance that lets you live joyfully, enthusiastically, and compassionately.
______________________________________

Zoe Weil, author of Most Good, Least Harm: A Simple Principle for a Better World and Meaningful Life (Copyright © 2009 by Zoe Weil), is the co-founder and president of the Institute for Humane Education. She created the first M.Ed degree and certificate programs in humane education in the United States. Zoe leads MOGO and humane education workshops throughout the Unite States and Canada. She lives in coastal Maine. Visit zoeweil.com for information on workshops and presentations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#4 and #8 are the ones that call to me the most ... how about you?

the january 11 ...

2011-01-07T08:06:00.004-07:00

This free picture collage made with Smilebox

it started when i checked out k a l a n i c u t - a blog by a friend from los angeles. she linked to another nifty blog - 365 small details.

and now? well, now i am excited to tell you about the 11 things i am doing this month to bring me joy!

1. top left - facial. this is the tail end of my mom's and my christmas - we are having lunch and going for facials. i haven't had one in years, but as my age creeps up, i suspect it will be a good thing.

2. middle left - thank you notes. i love writing notes and i have a pile of christmas ones to do, as well as few general ones that are waaaaay overdue. i have scheduled time and am looking forward to it.

3. bottom left - daddy daughter date. my dad is coming over to check out my new apartment and then we are going for the best pasta in town at chianti's (which is located in that building)

4. top middle - books. need i say more? this will bring me much joy.

5. middle middle left - baby shower for a good friend's little bobo. very excited!

6. middle middle middle - swimming!! not only is this part of a goal, but i simply love it. sadly, no, the polar bear is not part of the package.

7. middle middle right - walterdale theatre. monthly board meeting, and signing up for my 1st of (at least) 3 auditions for the year!

8. middle bottom - new bedding!! after 8.5 years, my awesome bed set is more than a little faded and i surprised myself by going back to a dark colour. but i love it!!

9. top right - slipcovers. i inherited some fairly comfy, but hideously (imho) patterned furniture this year and have wanted to cover them up ever since. thanks to christmas gifts of good old fashioned cash-o-la, i can. very excited!

10. middle right - massage. in that very room! i love my massage therapist - she is perfect for me in both skill set and temperament. her peaceful presence makes an already wonderful experience better.

11. bottom right - headshots! i am getting professional headshots done. not only is it a necessary tool for auditions (see: 2011 goals), but it has been 20 years since i did one. definitely time. i am super excited and will let you know how it goes.

so - what is ONE thing you are going to do to bring you joy this month??

*the link for each picture location takes you to where i borrowed the picture from*

seven in eleven ...

2011-01-01T09:57:00.002-07:00

because it rhymes. and it is less than last year. and because i wanna.

1. be early - apparently 'be on time' doesn't work so well for me. so this year, i aim for earliness. i have a book whenever i go somewhere, so being a few minutes early will not be a hardship. and the peaceful conscience that accompanies promptness is something i very much wish to acquire.

2. be scrupulously honest - i am not saying i am a liar, liar, pants on fire, but i do struggle with honesty when it paints me in a poor light. not saying anything, or twisting truths comes a little too easily for me. i want to cut this ugly blemish in my character out completely. of course, the main goal is to be honest with myself - the rest will follow ...

3. read one quality book per month - no restrictions on what i need to read or when. in fact, if the count of monte cristo doesn't get read until i am on my deathbed (or at all), i am going to be okay with this. the chances i will enjoy a book i feel i HAVE to read are slim to nil - and i want to enjoy reading. but i do want to increase my discipline in reading non-junk-food books. only 25 of the 150 books i read in 2010 were more than fluff, and only 9 qualified as quality (in my opinion). the list to the right are books i have wanted to read for years, plus a few from various '2010's best books' lists i came across.

4. journal thoughts and feelings everyday - i have observed a pattern in dealing (or should i say avoiding) feelings: if i don't overeat, i overspend. if i get the spending under control, i go nutso with the eating. either way, i am not dealing with the feelings. of course, i have journaled in the past and not had it fix this challenge - but this time is different. it is not a journal for posterity - or any kind of public consumption. it is just feelings. good, bad and ugly. can't hurt to try, hmmm?

5. audition for 3 shows - i would love to write that i will be in 3 shows, but i can't control that part (yet!), but i can commit to the auditioning. oh, and part of this is getting new headshots completed as well - should be interesting!

6. increase daily step average to 7500 and swim at least 1/week - i hope to exceed this goal, but it is realistic and achievable as is.

7. go back to school - although i have postponed the starting of the program in project management i posted about before, i do still plan to start in august ... and this goal will help me stay focused on making it happen.

i am very excited for 2011. i don't remember being excited for 2010, so this is a nice feeling ... let's see where it leads!

looking back before moving forward ...

2010-12-29T11:34:00.008-07:00

as many of you are aware, 2010 was a rather rough year for me. there is, however, one big benefit to having a really trying year - i don't feel bad about not meeting many of my 2010 goals! but, in order to wrap up the year (and get prepared for 2011), here is a brief recap:

1. read one quality book a month - only got 9 in (and "the count of monte cristo" was NOT one of them!) in fact, i only read 3 books from my quality list; but it was good to challenge myself and i am going to use this one again - with some minor tweaking.

2. buy no more than one book per month - hahahaha. who came up with this lame idea? as if.

3. be accountable with monthly blog entries about all 'non-essential' spending - as my desire to get debt free increased this year, my frivolous spending kind of took care of itself. not that there weren't a few wallet busting indulgences along the way, but for the most part, i am very happy with my discretionary spending habits this year - even without confessing all on the blog!

4. write two letters a week - as i went through the challenges of this summer and gained a better perspective on friendship as a whole and my friendships in particular, my need for contact with others decreased. i no longer need to prove i have friends (or coerce them into contact with me) by sending missives out. but i was pleasantly surprised by who i grew closer to, and who proved to be dear friends during the trials of 2010. i am now committed to reciprocal relationships - my understanding that give and take are both needed has allowed me to stop chasing people down. now i just need to stop chasing cars and i will be a real human before too long!

5. attend my church meetings - again, as i gave myself permission to re-discover who i am and what i believe (and act according to the dictates of my own conscience), i found myself less concerned with being perfect at ... well. anything. it has also meant i don't beat myself up for not meeting this goal - one that was made with the intention of "getting me back on track" ... turns out i am already on track!

6. get a massage once a month - no problems meeting this goal ... and i am much the better for it.

7. eat all servings of fruits and veggies each day - i would definitely give myself an 80% or better on this goal and i love that!

8. increase pedometer steps to 6000+ per day - i accomplished this by august! and now i have maintained it for almost 4 months (plus i added some swims in there, too!)

9. read the book of mormon - see #5 ...

10. *secret goal* - i totally achieved this goal. it was simply this: to feel worthy. for years i was doing "all the right things" and not feeling 'good enough' ... but i can honestly say that i am confident that i have worth and value. there remains room for improvement in this area, but i am leaps and bounds ahead of where i was when this year started.

so. 2010? it was long, exhausting, necessary, wonderfully awful at times - and, at times simply wonderful.

2011? bring it ...

PS - the december 29th announcement? it is on facebook now. if you aren't friends with me and want details, drop me an email ...

being a "categorical hit" ...

2010-12-23T09:20:00.004-07:00

... means i am too busy to write blog posts, apparently.

i can't believe how much has happened since i last wrote, and i do have big plans to update you on the play, my move, education goals for 2011, and a couple major life decisions - then on december 29th there will be a BIG announcement.

until then, allow me to brag here about the fabulous review our show in general (and i in particular) received - for those who didn't catch it on facebook:

Much ado about comedy
Director Anne Marie Szucs speeds up Much Ado About Nothing
Bryan Saunders

In this, the first ever donor-voted show at Walterdale Playhouse, patrons voted overwhelming for a comedy. And this is exactly what director Anne Marie Szucs delivers in this production of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.

However, Szucs doesn’t simply rely on the already funny script to provide the laughs, but instead brings a level of almost absurd physical comedy to the play that borders on slapstick and puts the audience in stitches.

Stand-out moments include any and all eavesdropping scenes whether it included the watchmen “investigating” Borachio and Constanza, Benedick spying on Don Pedro and Leonato, or Beatrice listening in on Ursula and Hero’s conversation.

That said, it’s initially a bit difficult to keep all of the characters straight as they’re all dressed similarly and a lot of them look just a little too much alike. Actor Marcia Rigney also plays two characters—both Verges and Baltha—so audiences have to pay close attention in the beginning of the play or risk ending up a bit dizzy.

Some of the characters that do stand out from the crowd, though, including the main characters and mutual love interests Benedick (Murray Cullen) and Beatrice (Erika Conway). Both Cullen and Conway bring such great energy and quick wit to the stage and it’s a pleasure to see such genuine chemistry between the two lovers.

A pleasant surprise also comes from one of the supporting characters as well, namely Ursula. Catherine Wenschlag absolutely owns her role, bringing with her an understated and wholly rare kind of comedy. As a result, she is a categorical hit with the audience even though she only has about a dozen lines.

The pace of this production—it’s worth mentioning—is quite quick as well, so the audience’s interest never has an opportunity to wane. Historically, Much Ado is a rather long play, but Szucs has trimmed all the fat from the script and all of the scenes roll along quite rapidly. This is a good thing for the most part, but there times when this quick pace blurred the intent and emotional meaning of some of the actor’s lines. For instance, while the role of Leonato was played quite splendidly by Dale Wilson, it would have been improved had his moment of anger and sadness with his daughter Hero (Leah Peterson) been played more slowly.

Likewise, in another scene in which Beatrice asks Benedick to do the unthinkable, letting the tension and drama build a bit more would make it more interesting to watch. Instead, there is a quick return to comedy and the scene is not all that it could be.

Silence in theatre is an enormously powerful device when used right, and the juxtaposition of great comedy against great tragedy heightens both these emotions to a point that they cannot reach on their own.

With winters as cold and dark as Edmonton’s then, it’s only logical that a comedy as warm and bright as this one is just the thing to watch at this time of year.

not gonna lie - that pretty much made my day ... week .... um, year.

time, and the snow, flies ...

2010-10-24T12:24:00.011-06:00

sigh. winter is encroaching upon on my fair city - and i am about as thrilled as lucy is. here are a few random thoughts for the last week of october:

1. on the positive side, i am moving in 5 weeks to a place with UNDERGROUND HEATED PARKING. i can not overstate the degree to which this move will improve my quality of life. last winter, living in a house with a garage, winter was more bearable than any other year. this winter, not only will i have a frost-free car, but i will also have a pool and gym IN THE BUILDING. feel free to whup my behind if i don't take advantage of these perks.

2. i did a one day stint as a temp a couple of weeks ago. it was supposed to be a few weeks, but when i showed up, none of the bosses in the office knew i was coming, and they didn't want me doing any of the tasks i was hired to do. when the head honcho told me they would "think of something" for me to do, and i saw the words "MENIAL TASKS" printed on his forehead, i chose not to return to that location. turns out a junior dude told hr (located in another city) that someone was needed, but neglected to check with the mucky-mucks. the temp agency that sent me was very apologetic and all is well, but i must confess, it was not the most fun assignment i have ever been sent on!

3. i am doing another assignment now - duration TBD. i will be the project assistant for an IT overhaul and implementation within a government of alberta organization. it is right up the alley i have been contemplating for months now. which leads me to ...

4. i am going back to school! on a very p/t basis, as in one weekend a month for 12 months starting in january. at the end i should be (somewhat) ready to pass the project management institute's exam and get to add some more initials to the end of my name. after accepting carrie's assessment that i have employment ADD, and pondering what i can do that will challenge me and give me a sense of accomplishment i determined to try the project management route. it can afford me the diversity i need, as well as utilize skills i already have. so, hopefully the temp assignment will give me a clear idea of whether or not this is a path i want to pursue.

5. the play's the thing!! for those not in the know, i am doing a production of "much ado about nothing" (running december 1-11, 2010 at walterdale theatre!) and after 6 weeks of rehearsing in other places, we moved into the theatre this week. very, very cool. despite having a small part (lady in waiting, ursula - sexiest name ever!), i am having a tough time memorizing lines. i can still remember the poem i memorized at age 8, but these few lines and their cues? ARGH! i have to be off book by tuesday. yikes.

6. my plans for getting my stuff out of storage (AKA: the road trip) have changed substantially. now that i am working, i can't take 3 weeks off to go south, AND i found out the company that stores my stuff will deliver the pod anywhere in the US. destination of choice: seattle. this means there will be trips taken to SLC, boise, and LA independent of the stuff gathering. details to follow. what is going to happen is this: fly to vancouver (hi, teesh!) rent a vehicle, drive down to seattle (hi moh!) and move stuff from storage to rented vehicle. also, hopefully visit with others in that vicinity (hi, kati & keri-ann!). when will this happen? early in the new year! also, another trip - to nashville (hi, sarah!) - is in the works. 2011 is gonna be a busy year!

alrighty, then. that should hold you until i can come up with something entertaining!

just finished ...

2010-09-26T01:00:00.003-06:00

... catching up on all the blogs i love but haven't kept up with since i moved in may and no longer have internet at home. to everyone i love following - i have missed you and i realized tonight just how much! i am moving again in december and i will surely get internet there - i don't want to go another 4 months without checking in with all the people i love reading and knowing about.

next up: posting something on THIS blog ...

plain old boring update ...

2010-09-06T12:23:00.001-06:00

well, yes, bloggy-thing-y, you are right - it HAS been a long time since we last spoke! here's why and what's up these days ...

it is september. fall is definitely in the air here in edmonton ... except when the sun decides to show up with a vengeance and heat things up for, oh, say 7 minutes and 43 seconds before hiding and letting the wind & intermittent rain cool everything off. overall, i was pretty happy with the summer, even if there was (seemed to be?) more rain than usual. it was a good summer for me. more on that later.

but for now ...

i got all excited planning a road trip to LA to get my stuff out of storage - and (equally important) visit all sorts of awesome people i have met as i gypsy my way from town to town. however, there is a wrench in that plan - a good one! i was cast in a production of "much ado about nothing" by shakespeare and rehearsals start too soon for me to do the trip justice. i don't want to be rushed at any point on this adventure, so it will have to wait a little longer. *sigh*

the part i will be playing is ursula and she is a wonderful, clown-like character who (in my opinion) is a bit of ditz. now, if you are thinking of commenting that it doesn't sound like much of a stretch for me to act like a ditz, just remember - i probably know where you live and you have to sleep some time ...

in other news, i am keeping busy, and i have a lot i want to share - so i committed to myself that i would blog more regularly and do some catch up. hope you will stick around since i have a few drafted posts that i think might tickle a funny bone or two, and a few that i hope will make you think about some issues that are important to me.

until later this week ... please know i missed blogging and hearing from my awesome blog supporters!!

wherein i protect the innocent ...

2010-07-14T23:00:00.002-06:00

... and the not so innocent.

on friday july 9th my dad, my sister anne, my sister meg and i left for kelowna for my aunt & uncle's 50th anniversary par-tay. it all started when ...

********************************************************************
EDITED AT THE REQUEST OF FAMILY MEMBERS

I WANT TO STILL CALL FAMILY.
********************************************************************

... and then we arrived back in edmonton. the end.

the girl ...

2010-07-04T02:03:00.000-06:00

with the dragon tattoo who played with fire then kicked the hornet's nest ROCKS MY WORLD. well. i think the kicking of the hornet's nest will rock my world as much as the first two. i have put off reading the series because i knew i didn't want to wait a long time for the third book to come out in canada. it did last month, so i went ahead and read the first two (which i own in soft cover), while having my name on the waiting list at the library for the third. i am currently number 512 on the list. yes, people. it is true. i will be buying a hardcover book this week. mark your calendars - this NEVER happens. but desperate times call for desperate measures.

just had to endorse those books. at 2 in the morning. while in red deer. waiting for my laundry to finish washing. so i can throw in another load before going to sleep. because i am still kicking myself for moving someplace without a washer and dryer.

p.s. right now, life is very, very good. more when i have time/energy.

late night loquaciousness ...

2010-06-07T00:43:00.007-06:00

here are 10 things i would like to get out of my head, and yet retain for future reference. maybe when i am done writing this, i will be able to get a good night's sleep ...

1. the #1 thing i have gained from therapy is a renewed awareness that NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY, DO, OR BE EXACTLY WHAT I WANT THEM TO SAY, DO, OR BE.

2. one of the main things i hope to gain from therapy is the ability to have whatever people DO say, do, or are be enough for me.

3. i finished the book "made in the usa" by billie letts last week and it was good for sparking thoughts on being connected to people - and i needed the reminder that in spite of #1 above, it is still worthwhile to reach out to others and connect in meaningful ways.

4. i should never have given up having a washer and dryer in my own place. planning my week/end around getting clean underwear is already getting old, and it has only been 5 weeks.

5. it used to be that, even when i didn't like someone, i still wanted them to like me. lately, this is becoming less true. halla-freakin-loo-ya.

6. i believe that "black and white" and "all or nothing" thinking has robbed me of much happiness and peace in my life. it has also led to self-punishment of the cruelest kind. the battle to overcome this compulsion is proving more difficult than i anticipated.

7. just because i would feel a certain way if someone said something to me, does not mean they would feel the same way if i said the same thing to them. ergo, writing scripts for possible conversations is A WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY.

8. being angry at someone and hating them is not the same thing.

9. effective communication is blessing when it happens and often an insurmountable obstacle when it is absent.

10. a painful truth is ALWAYS preferable to an easy lie.

cream soda chaos ...

2010-05-28T20:48:00.003-06:00

partial transcript of a text conversation betwixt myself and assorted family members:

ME (to ANNE, MEG & MOM): please tell me cream soda will wash out of white denim!!!!

MOM: yes, it will. do you have any club soda?

ME (to MOM): no. but i have CREAM soda!

MEG: WHY do you have white denim?????

ME (to MEG): it is a white denim jacket. very hip. it is NOT a pair of tacky jeans.

ANNE: yup.

i think this demonstrates my relationship with each of these people perfectly. read into that what you will ...

basically, this is a little note to say i am still alive, although a little emotionally drained. group therapy is NOT for wusses. but it is for me. i have been learning a tonne of new things every week and feel i am gaining some great tools for "coping". perhaps before the final 12 weeks are completed that will translate into great tools for "thriving".

while part of me wants to share what is happening, a wiser part of me says it is best to keep these insights to myself for a time. the one thing i will share is this: no matter how broken i am, i can still put myself back together. i ain't no humpty dumpty!!

so, this blog shall be pretty quiet for a few more weeks, but i miss it and look forward to returning when time and mental acuity permit ...

until then, know that the cream soda DID wash out!

cresting the wave of cavity fighting ...

2010-04-09T08:05:00.009-06:00

back in "aught 5" (translation: 2005), my mom had one of those BIG birthdays - you know, one that ends in "0" or "5". this particular one (60th, in case you are wondering), was celebrated in los angeles with me, as well as her two sisters, my auntie pam (from indiana, ya hoosier) and auntie melanie (from tennesee, y'all). they crashed at my place and it was quite the little adventure for us all.

on the first day they were there, i was giving them the apartment orientation (since i would be at work all day and they would be fending for themselves). in the bathroom, i showed them the cupboard that contained all the towels, supplies, etc. my auntie melanie took one look at it and said, "wow. did you do all that to impress us?" to which my mom and auntie pam replied, "no. she is ALWAYS like this."

the "THIS" i am always like is best summed up by the observation of a good friend many years ago. upon seeing my hallway closet, she said, "it is like a mini-walmart in there!"

it is true. i don't have a year's supply of food, but i have AT LEAST a year's supply of soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, lotions, band aids, dental floss, deodorant, etc. ... what can i say, i like to be clean.

this particular need to ensure there is a back up for everything was increased when i was living in the states and some of the things i NEED were not available down there.

exhibit a: body shop glycerin soap. i have been using the same soap since i was about 13 years old. the body shop in the US was selling them in a SQUARE shape. definitely not as ergonomic as the version found in canada. so, every trip home, i would stock up on the "right" kind.

exhibit b: butler gum ultra soft toothbrushes. can not find them in the US. (see above for solution).

and so on and so forth.

but the most important item i am, well, OBSESSIVE about is my toothpaste. i brush my teeth a lot. i mean, A LOT. if i am going to have toothpaste in my mouth for multiple minutes multiple times a day, it better be something i like, right? well, the only toothpaste i like is CREST REGULAR PASTE. none of that gel-pro-health-fancy-flavour-sparkly-super-whitening-wash-your-dishes-and-bathe-your-dog-all-in-one crap for me. and since i have been using the stuff for over 3 decades and have nary a filling in my mouth, i think it is working for me.

oh, i should also mention i like the SMALL tubes of toothpaste.* the big ones annoy me. they are bulky, they get squished in the middle and it takes too long to squeeze it all to the top and keep it there (what? you're surprised to discover i am not a squish it and leave it kind of gal? i even have one of those contraptions that keeps the toothpaste pushed up to the top of the tube. and i ALWAYS put the cap back on. and i wash off any paste that spills. anywhere. yes. i am aware of my issues.) ... where was i? oh, right. small tubes. they stopped selling them in the US at some point while i was living there. so i started carting home a dozen boxes at a time whenever i visited edmonton. or i asked for a care package. once i returned to edmonton, i was able to buy one or two at a time, because i knew i could always get more when i needed them.

until the middle of last year! ACK! no small tubes on the shelves ANYWHERE. and believe you me, i scoured the drugstores, walmarts, and everything in between. i found none. i had to cave and buy a nasty big tube. then another when that one ran out. it was tragic. every single day i missed my small toothpaste. every day i squished the big tubes into submission. it was a dark period for me and my oral hygiene.

but then one day, about 2 weeks ago, i was buying dental floss and my eyes perused the rows of toothpaste. i was trying to decide if i could handle one of the fancy-schmancy toothpastes in the smaller containers or if the taste of the regular paste was worth continuing with the godzilla sized tubes - when i spotted them. bottom shelf. hiding in the corner. SMALL. REGULAR. CREST. TOOTHPASTE. i fell to my knees (partly in gratitude, and partly cause they were on the bottom shelf). i seriously considered buying the entire shelf. but i am on a budget, so i settled for 24 boxes.

brushing my teeth is once more the joy it has long been in my life. i even celebrated by opening a new toothbrush (yes. a butler gum ultra soft one).

and that is why i bought 24 boxes of this:

*not the travel size small ones. the 100ml ones vs. the 170ml ones that are so prevalent.

hi! hi! hi!!!! ...

2010-04-02T23:45:00.003-06:00

ok. i am still alive. but everything i want to "talk" about is too ... complex. so, that will have to wait.

but here is what i can tell you:

1. the pyramid-pit is still waiting to be explored. i have lined up some good guides to assist in the process and should begin active excavation in about 2-3 weeks.

2. i will not be going private on my blog. i have never even considered it. i was just contemplating the challenges of keeping it public AND non-incriminating. but thanks to all who said they would want to keep reading if i did - yer cool in my book.

3. i have spent a fair amount of time in red deer this past month and am reminded once again of how precious girlfriends are. especially ones who love me through the best and worst days - flaws and all.

4. i bought 24 tubes of toothpaste. details to follow ...

living a public private life ...

2010-03-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

one thing you have to accept if you are going to write a blog, have a facebook account, or in any way be "out there" on the internet is that ANYONE can see what you put out there. did you catch that? ANYONE. your mom (who you can inadvertently offend), your dad (who you never thought would read your blog, and therefore offend), your sisters (nah. they aren't online enough to worry about), people from where you used to work, where you currently work, and where you hope to work one day. oh, and complete strangers, of course.

two of the three categories relating to work are ones i need to be aware of. for example: i am currently on a leave of absence from work. i am not living it up and partying like a rock star - i am working hard to improve my health (physically, emotionally and mentally) so i can return to the ranks of the fully employed asap. i am not concerned they will read this blog, see pictures of me cruising the mediterranean and turn me into HR ... the craziest thing i have done while not working is hide in a cave (bedroom) at my friend's house in red deer for a few days of much-needed & safe hibernation. other than that, i am averaging 4 doctors appointments a week, reading a lot of books, and watching copious amounts of "til debt do us part" - which is especially handy since my income is less while i am not working.

but another category IS of concern: potential employers. a large number of employers now do internet searches when considering a candidate for a job - and most of them have declined to interview - let alone hire - someone based on what they read/see online. yikes.

so, it is one thing to be open, honest, and (hopefully) helpful by sharing personal experiences. it is quite another to paint oneself as a borderline psycho who can't keep her stuff together enough to hold down a job!

but the truth is, i can't hide my challenges anymore than i can hide the fact that i have grey hair. that is to say, sure i could cover it up for awhile, but without near-constant attention, it is going to be obvious at some point. which leads to the question: without going bald, metaphorically speaking, what options do i have if i want to be honest but not self-destructive? writing this here bloggy-thingy has been a big help in a lot of ways. and, to be honest, the feedback in comments and emails is likewise very helpful. therefore, i don't wish to cease and desist. but i do wish to be appropriate and respectful in what i write - about myself and others.

having said that, i want to update you on the pit. it hasn't been as simple an expedition as I hoped? planned? expected? wanted. yes. that is the word: wanted. i wanted to get a little breathing space, talk to a professional and get their constructive feedback, get my physical health on track and get back in the game.

turns out the physical health is going to take a little longer to get on track than i anticipated, and the professional i spoke to has helped me see i need a lot more talking and listening to accomplish the goal of being really, truly healthy.

to stretch the archaeological methaphor to the limit: i thought i had found a cute little home i could investigate in a limited amount of time, master the layout, and move onto the next adventure; in reality i have stumbled across a pharoaoh-sized pyramid and there is A LOT OF STUFF to go through!! i need to see what is worth keeping and what is just junk.

while it is a little scary to contemplate the number of things i don't even know i don't know about the next few months, i am so thankful to have the resources to help me with this upcoming journey - without them, i would probably have barred the tunnel to the big pyramind and hunkered down in what has turned out to the be the entrance hall.

just think! when i am done, i will have AN AWESOME PYRAMID instead of the little studio apartment i have been anticipating. while daunting, it is also very exciting.

little honda civic - 0 / parking garage pillar - 1 ...

2010-02-27T01:32:00.006-07:00

yup. those big piles of concrete are slightly more sturdy than my little putt-putt. this particular garage lacked basic necessities - such as enough space for 2 cars to travel beside each other when going around (blind) corners. in an attempt to avoid hitting the car (recklessly) zooming around the bend and straight at me in an insane hospital-parking-lot version of chicken, i swerved to the right and heard the sound no owner of a vehicle for which they are solely fiscally responsible wishes to hear: the screech of paint being scraped off down to the frame. ick.

i count myself lucky there were no dents that need to be bludgeoned out. hmm. bludgeoning. i wonder where i came up with that word. oh, right. it is what I WOULD LIKE TO DO TO THAT DOOFUS DRIVER.

so, now comes the trek to the honda store for a container of paint to cover it up before the ever-present rust shows up in abundance.
the next time i need to visit the hospital, i am leaving early enough to park somewhere other than that monster-truck demolition garage.

the isle of guernsey ...

2010-02-24T00:08:00.008-07:00

... just got added to my list of "places i would like to see before i die" - and all because of a book. this book:

if i were to sum this book up in one word it would be: delightful.

i smiled so very often as i rambled through this (fictional) collection of letters to and from miss juliet ashton. there was anticipation, sadness, humour, wisdom and true joy contained within these pages. i had planned to take a few days to read it - after all, it wasn't a mystery i had to solve - but i gobbled it up in one long sitting yesterday. and i am looking forward to repeating the meal again soon.

the only sorrow that remained at the end was the realization that the author - mary ann shaffer - has passed away and we will never receive another creation from her.

i recommend it to anyone who wants to gain a glimpse of goodness, or have a heart string plucked at just the right pitch. delightful, indeed.

still too busy ...

2010-02-22T17:12:00.001-07:00

so, now that i have missed a couple of days of blogging, and i won't be **PERFECT** i can relax and just get back to the regular posting-when-something-strikes-my-fancy method. another drawback to posting everyday? i don't have enough readers to generate daily comments. and i really, really like getting comments (who doesn't?) - so i shall decrease the publishing pace and hope for more words from y'all.

now. back to organizing the (new) bedroom ...

too busy ...

2010-02-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

... to post.

so here is a little entry stolen from a friend:

the good: i put this together ALL BY MYSELF!!!

the bad: i am craving these (but i can buy them at my local store).

the ugly: my bedroom(s) - i am moving between two rooms and neither looks very good at the moment.

and that's all i have to say about that!

baby's coming ...

2010-02-17T23:09:00.011-07:00

no, not mine. HAH! as if ...

my fabulous roomies are due to welcome a wee bairn next month! i am actually very excited to meet this little guy and i know s & k will be fabulous parents. but there are some changes that are needed to accommodate this new addition to the home. first was the departure of our other roomie (but it was a good thing - she is working at the olympics!).

the next step is mine - moving rooms. i sleep with ear plugs, but it still seems wise to be as far as possible from the baby's midnight & mid-night awakenings. it also makes sense to have the future nursery be beside mom & dad's room.

i am de-cluttering as i transfer all my belongings from one room to another and it is amazing to me how much STUFF i have accumulated in the 2.5 years i have been back in edmonton - unbelievable the amount of detritus a human creates in such a short time!

as i have mentioned before, s & k are the most laid back people on the planet - and it is a joy to live here. i am not sure how long after the wee one arrives they (or i) will want to continue our arrangement, but it has been the best possible place for me this past year.

andi i can hardly wait for the next adventure on our home front!

exceptional customer service - even for non-customers ...

2010-02-16T13:31:00.003-07:00

recently, i joined the board of directors of walterdale theatre associates. i started as a co-director for front of house, but then moved to the position of secretary a few months later. doing so put me in the illustrious category of "the executive" - translation: i can sign cheques.

in order to begin my reign of fiscal terror, i needed to go into the branch walterdale banks at and fill in a signature card. no biggie. having worked in banking for nearly a decade, i felt confident i could handle this task. also, since the branch was one i had actually worked in, i was familiar with the set up and whatnot ... or so i thought.

the branch used to open at 9:30 am - so i showed up at 9:40. turns out they now open at 10:00. i chose to hang out in the lobby and read my book until they opened. during the next 20 minutes about 12 more people joined me in the lobby, enough that (even though i was the first person waiting) i ended up being the 5th or 6th person into the branch when it opened. however, since everyone in front of me went to the teller counter, i was the first to speak with the lady at the "help" desk. i told her what i was there for and was summarily waved me over the waiting area chairs and told she would call someone. she then proceeded to help 4 people behind me without ever making that call. after 10 minutes, i walked up again and she looked over at me and said, "have a seat, i will call in a minute" ... needless to say i was not amused. i (quite politely in my opinion) asked if there was something i could do have her call now and she literally pointed at the chairs and said, "have a seat."

it was at this time i started writing a letter of complaint in my head.

a couple minutes later a mutual funds specialist came out to greet me and take me back to her office. her first words were: "i don't usually do this, but i am sure we can figure it out." oh, how encouraging. she printed off the incorrect documents and when i mentioned they were for a personal account, not a business one, she said they were "basically the same". um. no. they are not. but, whatever. she started filling them out - making a number of mistakes that i caught ("oh, it is good you know what you are doing," she would say each time) before eventually hitting a wall and realizing they really weren't basically the same forms at all. she then went and asked for help and came back with the correct forms. i was actually less frustrated at this point, because she was friendly, and obviously wanting to be of help but in an area she didn't understand.

finally, all was completed and as i left the branch i, without any hint of sarcasm, said thank you to the woman at the help desk who COMPLETELY IGNORED ME. whatever.

five minutes later, my phone rings. now, this was before i pledged to oprah that i would not talk on the phone while driving, so i answered the phone and it was the branch manager! i thought maybe something was missed on the papers, but even then found it odd that the manager would call me!?

his first words: "i understand you had an unpleasant experience in our branch this morning."

knock me over with a feather!!!

he asked me to share my story and when i did, he apologized for the lack of personable service and thanked me for telling him what happened. he said they wanted to ensure everyone had a pleasant experience in their branch and he was sorry that wasn't the case for me.

and i don't even bank there, personally! suddenly the service didn't seem so bad after all.

audition ...

2010-02-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

tonight i did something i haven't done in a REALLY long time - i auditioned for some plays. as i was filling out the audition form, i realized that even though i have been lucky enough to do a few plays in the last dozen years, i haven't had to audition for any of those parts.

i forgot how much FUN auditioning is! it is like a performance all of its own ... and the people watching are actually interested in the show you are putting on - which is always a treat for an actor.

i have no expectations whatsoever - the plays are all new and i have no idea what the characters they are casting for are like, but it was a delightful evening nonetheless. i suspect i could easily get hooked on auditioning alone!

a week of lists - #7: obscure favourites ...

2010-02-14T23:01:00.009-07:00

okay. i am very glad the week of lists is over after today. also, this marks the half way point of my goal to blog every day this month. NEVER GONNA MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN. turns out either a) i don't have enough interesting stuff to say, or b) i don't have time to tell the really interesting stuff!

anyway ... this is a list i really hope you will share your answers to!

what is your favourite ...

1. position to sleep in?
on my side with the top leg bent and the top foot tucked under my bottom knee; bottom arm under my head, top arm curled up under my chin. oh, and i have to have my stuffie on the bed, and a pillow to lean against. and, uh, i need to have my ear covered by the blanket - blame that on star wars II - wrath of khan.

2. holiday (other than christmas)?
canada day (july 1st) & independence day (july 4th) - i am not sure why, but one part is that it is celebrated on the actual day, no matter what day of the week it falls on. we don't move it to accommodate a desire for a long weekend (not that i don't love those), but there is something about celebrating on the day that is special. also, i think we sometimes forget how fragile our current world set up is, and what a miracle it is to live in a country that has had as much peace on its soil for as long as both canada & the u.s. have. i am not a raving patriot, but i am very grateful for the freedoms and opportunities i am blessed with and i appreciate having time set aside to honour those precious commodities.

3. childhood toy?
a red-headed doll named carrie. and her best friend paddington bear. and then all my other 100+ stuffies. and merlin. and the barbie camper. and ... oh, wait. i LOVED THEM ALL. but i did get a lot of enjoyment out of the remote control cars dad and i would race in the basement - of course, that was as much about time spent with dad as it was about the cars.

4. kid's book?
"alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" by judith viorst. i think this sums up my childhood experience fairly concisely and accurately.

5. breakfast cereal?
healthy choice: kashi go lean ... fun, kid choice: fruit loops ... in between option: honey nut cheerios

6. comedian?
i love funny people. a lot. and a lot of them. but i am gonna have to go with ellen degeneres. not only does she tell the single funniest joke i have ever heard, but her delivery, and her self-deprecation are a delight. and man, can she dance!

7. comic strip?
"for better or for worse" by lynn johnston ... i love it so much i am still reading it every day - and she stopped writing it awhile back! she has started over at the beginning and i am enjoying experiencing life with the pattersons all over again. i think part of the appeal was the introduction of a baby when the first two kids were pretty close to grown up - it mirrored my experience and i was pretty much a sucker for anything with cute baby girls at that time!

8. boy's and girl's names?
nathaniel and grace ... they are the perennials for me.

9. blog (other than mine or your own)?
dooce.com 'nuff said.

10. shampoo & conditioner?
bed head - brunette goddess ... because i am one, and because it smells like oatmeal maple cookies!! smell is far and away the most important aspect of a hair product purchase.

a week of lists - #6: things i want to be when i am a grown up ...

2010-02-13T23:20:00.001-07:00

1. more patient with slowness
2. consciously happy on a daily basis
3. an early bird
4. kind
5. a good driver
6. honest in all my dealings with my fellow humanoids
7. consistent
8. more concerned with what is right than with being right
9. forgiving
10. a dog owner
11. confident
12. wiser
13. less sarcastic
14. reciprocally in love
15. a professional writer
16. charitable in every way
17. content but motivated
18. peaceful
19. a piano player
20. multilingual
21. an aunt
22. compassionate

a week of lists - #5: money ...

2010-02-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

things i spend money on that i wish i hadn't/didn't have to ...

1. fast food restaurants

2. lame books

3. junk food

4. parking

5. gadgets i never use

6. clothes i never wear

7. photo radar tickets

8. mindless "consumer therapy"

9. interest on debt

10. everything that jumps into my cart when i am wandering the aisles in stores

things i think are worth spending money on ...

1. careful building of my book collection

2. travel

3. live theatre

4. special occasion dining out

5. clothes that fit and feel right - not just ones that 'will do for now'

6. kiva loans & charitable donations

7. SPA DAYS

8. more education

9. meaningful gifts for friends and family - not just 'it's a holiday so here's a present'

10. A HOME!!

a very important message ...

2010-02-11T02:17:00.012-07:00

we interrupt your regularly scheduled "week of lists" with this important message:

FOG SUCKS!!!

my fog was MUCH scarier than this picture

i just spent over 2.5 hours traveling 68 miles - basically, i was averaging 25 miles an hour. on roads with speed limits in the range of 50 - 70 miles. not only could i not see more than 10 feet in front of the car, but lots of big trucks kept whipping past me, and some chick called in to request a song and when she mentioned how she was driving through the crazy fog, the dj says, "i always feel like i am driving through ghosts when i drive through fog." uh, yeah. like i need THAT image in my head!

but that isn't the worst. oh no, it is not. the worst? i missed multiple turn offs and, at one point, ended up on the way to GRANDE PRAIRIE! since my friend jodi* is currently there, it would not have been the end of the world to end up there, but it really wasn't on my agenda for tonight. i then missed my next turn off SIX TIMES. (hmm ... just realized, i am using the all caps a little too much - guess i am still riled up.)

all the markers telling me where to go (ha ha) were INVISIBLE. and i am not not talking about the city here, i was surrounding by big. scary. trees. lots of them. and no street lights. and one burnt out headlight. did i mention the trees?

there was a fair amount of teeth clenching, and a lot of frustration, until i reached the point where there were no more swear words left in my vocabulary and i was reduced to yelling "THERE ARE NO MORE SWEAR WORDS TO EXPRESS MY FRUSTRATION!!" (i am not kidding, i actually yelled that out loud. what a dork.)

i know, you are all asking the question - "why?" - why am i venturing into the big bad woods (i am sure i saw a wolf - or eleventeen of them)? well. here are the reasons:

spice & brown sugar. two cute kitties whose "mom" is on vacation and i get to hang out in their AWESOME home for a few days. it is literally like being at a spa - seriously. i also get to fill the bird feeder, feed the outdoor cats, and put out oats for the deer! DEER! that come right up to the back porch and nibble away at the oats! so, it is like a spa with NATURE.

okay. done venting. we now return you to your regularly scheduled dumb lists ...

*jodi gets SERIOUS props for accepting my 12:45am phone call begging for directions once i realized i was heading her way. she talked me off the ledge. and didn't even get mad - probably because i had prayed to know who to call who could help me and i got her name as an answer. it is hard to get mad at someone when you are the answer to their prayers. thanks, jodi - i owe you a few for tonight!

a week of lists - #4: teachers ...

2010-02-10T23:01:00.007-07:00

a chronological listing of the teachers who made the biggest impact on me ...

grade 2 - mrs. silverton
this was the year my parents got divorced, so you would think it would be a rough one. or perhaps mrs. silverton was the one constant in my life that year. also, she found ways to channel my social/chatty behaviour into great projects. i enjoyed school in kindergarten and grade 1, but this was the year i fell IN LOVE with school

grade 3 - mrs. diemert
after a sept-dec of hell in another teacher's class, mrs. diemert was a SAVIOUR. she filled in when the first teacher went on maternity leave, and she was everything a child could ask for in a teacher. she is also credited with introducing me to the joy of PERFORMING. i volunteered in her class all through grade 4 & 5 as well. she moved to b.c. the summer after grade 5 and missed her so much. i have tried to find her a few times, but no luck. i owe her more than she will ever know.

grade 7 to 9 - ms. lawrence / mr. wright
junior high was hideous beyond all comprehension, but ms. lawrence (drama) and mr. wright (math) were my saving graces during those years.

high school - tami dowler-coltman
i had a lot of drama/theatre teachers in high school, but none ever meant as much to me as tami. i saw her recently and i was literally overwhelmed by how much gratitude i feel for her and all she did for her students in general, and me specifically.

university - dr. wangler
ok. he may be the "most recent", but it isn't just proximity that leads me to label him the best instructor i ever had. the subject matter (educational philosophy) was admittedly my favourite during my post secondary education, but it was more than that. he was the kind of teacher who could have made learning the yellow pages exciting. the ability to instill a passion for teaching, and for learning, was his legacy to me and i still think about the lectures he gave, and the reading he led me to.

i have never been paid to teach in a school, but i consider myself a teacher - by education, by experience, and in my heart. i have a passion for teaching that is unlike any other i have discovered/cultivated in my life. acting is the only thing that comes close, but exceptional teachers are actors, too, so i still believe at my core, i am a teacher.

hmmm. something to think a little more about as i make plans for the next steps in my life ...

a week of lists - #3: minor events that can cause major annoyances ...

2010-02-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

1. paper cuts

2. biting inside your cheek and/or your tongue
2a. someone ELSE biting your tongue

3. forgetting to put on deodorant

4. misplacing your keys

5. cell phone battery dying

6. stubbing your toe (or other body part) on very solid, immovable objects

7. itches in the middle of your back that you will never be able to reach on your own

8. forgetting your bank card (phone, book, fill in the blank __________) somewhere and having to go back across the whole city to get it back

9. insomnia

10. spilling coloured food (especially spaghetti sauce) on a white shirt

what's on your list???

a week of lists - #2: children ...

2010-02-08T11:34:00.007-07:00

i do not have a biological clock. seriously! no ticking. no baby hunger. but i can appreciate that others are different. after spending a few days with bff debi and her fam, i have thought a lot about children.

reasons NOT to have kids ...

1. if you are sick (or otherwise blah) you still have to get up and care for them
2. they are expensive
3. they are LOUD
4. you will never own a piece of clothing again - you are a human burp cloth, kleenex, etc. forever
5. sleeping through the night will be a luxury forevermore

reasons TO have kids ...

1. hello? have you SEEN how cute those things are??
2. hugs, cuddles, and the occasional payment for your efforts in the form of "i love you's"
3. the funny things they do that make for great stories for their entire lives
4. someone to be there as you age (assuming you don't damage them so much they go into therapy and decide to cut you out of their lives completely)
5. the joy of watching them grow, learn, and the amazement of seeing them discover the world

i hope you will add some items to either list - i am especially hoping to learn more from the already-parents!

a week of lists #1 - tv dvd heaven ...

2010-02-07T23:52:00.007-07:00

i don't like mindlessly staring at the (as my mom has always called it) "boob tube" ... but i do like television. there are some shows on that are as good (or better) than a lot of the movies out there. and, well, as an actor, i enjoy a good character portrayal and (whenever possible) great dialogue. with the advent of "home entertainment" - including dvd's, blu ray, and the oh-so-awesome dvr - being a connoisseur of television is now so very easy.

a lot of my "family bonding time" happens over dinner and a few episodes of whatever show we are currently engrossed in. right now, it is "burn notice". and you know what is great about that? if not for dvds, we would never get to see it. this is true of many shows - either because they are on cable channels, or because they were never shown in canada.

here is a list (in no particular order) of shows i recommend catching in whatever way you can ...

1. burn notice - a spy gets "burned" (fired) and doesn't know why. he is dumped in miami where his crazy mother, shiftless brother, and old buddy sam are. his former flame, an obscenely thin chica named fiona, is also in attendance. as he tries to figure out who burned him and get his job back, he takes little jobs on the side to pay the rent, as it were. season three is showing now, but season 1 & 2 are available on DVD.

2. the closer - LOVE IT. this is a TNT show (u.s. station), but you can find it here and there in canada. sharp dialogue and mysteries even i can be challenged by (anyone who has to watch mysteries with me knows i tend to ruin them by guessing too early) keep me coming back. and kyra sedgewick's southern belle is a delight to watch. 5 seasons are available, with season 6 coming this summer

3. army wives - i only saw the first season of this delish soap opera with heavier than average suds. i didn't expect to enjoy it as much as i did, but i was pulled in and the stories were compelling in many, many ways. i look forward to catching up on the seasons i have missed.

4. dead like me - if you have to die in a painful and hideous way, wouldn't it be nice if your soul could be removed and save you pain and suffering? that is the premise behind this witty, two season bundle of joy - reapers take souls before the bodies suffer death. particularly enjoyable? bumbling, idiotic mason ...

5. dexter - if tv were food, this would be nectar of the gods. it is a fairly well-known show, so i won't belabour the point, but a serial killer who kills killers? in a word: killer! 4 seasons have been completed with 3 of them already on dvd.

there are lots more out there, but here are the ones i can highly recommend for your viewing pleasure.

picture courtesy of vintagelooks.

HIPPOPOTAMUS!!! ...

2010-02-06T23:37:00.005-07:00

sometime in the last year my bff (carrie) and i were having a sleep over. this is not so odd an occurrence as you might think (what with us both being over 30 and all). nah. we don't let things like "being a grown up" keep us from staying up too late and having giggle fits.

on this particular sleep over, we were a little giddier than usual (and that is saying something). at one point, after recovering from a laugh attack, i said the following:

"we could say anything right now and find it amusing."

after a pause of about 4 seconds, while we both tried to breath normally - and as we were actually starting to calm down, she says (almost under her breath):

"hippopotamus."

that's it. just the one word. we were goners after that. for a verrrrry long time.

nowadays, anytime we run out of things to say (rare occurrence), or do something stupid (frequent occurrence), one or the other will simple shout HIPPOPOTAMUS and we both lose it all over again.

a mutual friend of ours sent me this video - it made my day! hope you get a chuckle ...

*sigh* best buds are awesome.

gleekiness ...

2010-02-05T22:43:00.003-07:00

yes. i admit it. i have become a gleek. a geeky fan of "glee".

i resisted the addition of a new television show - i really did. but when i came to red deer to visit friends at the beginning of january, i was converted. and now, well, now i want to proselytize. that's right. i will not be satisfied until you are all gleekified with me.

any show that contains the line, "that rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire, but she can sing" should be part of every one's required watching.

now, yes, i will admit there are a few risque moments, and the moral of the story isn't always the morality i would choose, but the characters are adorable, the dialogue witty, and the SINGING. OMGosh the singing!

part 1 of season 1 is available on dvd now. part 2 starts in april. please, catch up and join the coolest group ever. really. the kool aid tastes great!

best quote ever ...

2010-02-04T22:05:00.009-07:00

today, i share with you my favourite quote of the last few years - possibly forever:

"life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself"

that george bernard shaw dude knew what he was talking about.

so, that is what i am doing now - actually, i have been doing this for some time now. creating myself. i suspect it will be a forever process, but i sure like the idea of being part of it - and not just searching until i stumble across who i actually i am.

how are you doing with creating yourself??

wednesday wonderings (take 2) ...

2010-02-03T11:18:00.009-07:00

i am not supposed to be writing this. i am SUPPOSED to be on my way to drumheller to look at apartments with a friend who is moving to that thriving metropolis of nearly 8000 people for a job. but AM and PM get a little confused on my alarm sometimes; so here i am.

i enjoyed the responses to last week's wonderings so much i decided to try it again this week. oh, and while i am at it, the best piece of advice i have ever received is "never make a decision based solely on money" - while it may be a factor, it should never be the only one.

here is what i wonder about this week:

1. who thought up the idea for photo radar?? i want to slowly dismember that individual. less than a month after getting my new plates, they were given their own photo spread by the edmonton police service. granted, the pics are lovely, but i am sincerely hoping my plates do not become a favourite of the traffic cam paparazzi - cause i don't usually have $110 lying around. and really? it should have been a 60km (not 50km) zone! seriously!

2. what does it take to get a clean car after a car wash!? i forked over the $10.95* (plus tax). i let the super-pre-wash-undercarriage-cleaner do its thing. i watched with child-like awe as the multi-coloured (and fruity smelling) soap was applied and allowed to soak. i even made funny noises as the high powered rinse happened, and bopped my head as the sealant dripped down and ran off in rivulets (always wanted to use that word). and yet ... the part my windshield wipers cover? THAT part was clean. but the rest of the windshield!?!? looked AS DIRTY AS IT DID WHEN I STARTED. grrrr. next time, i am getting the regular wash and squeegee-ing the heck out of the windows before i go through the stinking car wash. of course, now my license plate is all shiny and ready for its next close up!

3. when will superstore's line of "joe fresh" clothing come in a plus size?? they have some of the cutest stuff i have ever seen, and i can't buy any of it!! well. i can get the shoes and accessories, but still ...

4. where can i find a REALLY good salad to go? i know a number of places in LA (california chicken cafe, anyone??). and i know an AWESOME one in SLC (cafe rio - possibly the grand passion of my life). but here in edmon-chuck? nothing comes to mind ... suggestions PLEASE!!!

5. why didn't i start using my "cruise control" in the city sooner?? i have a lead foot and this beautiful invention prevents me from accelerating mindlessly, or getting into a street race with the 1978 plymouth in the lane next to me.

so. there you have it. what catherine's brain spends its time doing these days.

*in LA, for a smidge more than this, you can get the car vacuumed, cleaned INSIDE AND OUT, and hand dried by a team of car care professionals. and while it is happening, you can peruse the kitschy gift shop and look at the fish tank inside!

salsa anyone? ...

2010-02-02T23:03:00.005-07:00

i have a nice long post about my love affair with my crock pot, but for now - as the hour is late - i am simply going to share my three favourite crock pot recipes. the ones that started our, thus far, beautiful relationship.
1. chicken salsa - OMGosh ... i love this!! just made it for dinner tonight for dad and the anniebear. so easy.

3 chicken breasts
1 jar salsa (i am in love with the peach salsa from walmart)
2-3 cups slightly undercooked rice

put chicken breasts in crock pot. cover with salsa. cook for minimum 6 hours. remove chicken breasts. mix in rice. put chicken breasts back in. cook for another 20 minutes. ENJOY!

2. beef stew - from debi ... first one i tried.

1 pkg stewing beef
baby carrots, sliced celery (onion if you like that sort of thing)
baby potatoes (i like to cut them in half)
v8 juice

put all the stuff in. cover with v8 juice. cook minimum 8 hours. add a little cornstarch to thicken as desired. DELISH!

3. mushroom pork chops - planned this one all by myself!

3-4 pork chops
1 can mushroom soup
1 pkg fresh mushrooms
1.5 cups rice

cover pork chops with soup & sliced fresh mushrooms. cook minimum 6 hours. add rice & a little water; cook another 40-60 minutes. i add some frozen veggies and chow down.

for those of you who just finished checking to make sure this is actually my blog - and that this isn't a "guest post" or something - allow me to assure you: i still DO NOT LIKE TO COOK. but i do enjoy the results when i do!

still to come this month: details on my "hot" relationship with the crock pot, a week of lists, and some more musings on the crazy world of customer service.

january 2010 in summary ...

2010-02-01T12:59:00.005-07:00

before i get started on the topics i have been saving for my month of daily posts, here is a quick summary of how the goals progress ...

1. read one quality book a month: um. yeah. didn't happen. guess that means 2 for february!

2. buy no more than one book per month: HA HA HA!!! who thought up this crazy goal??? here's the problem with this goal: I AM ADDICTED TO BOOKS. i am amending this goal to three (3) books a month. this allows me to add new books by authors i collect (which are always available at the deepest discounts when they first come out and/or are on the best sellers list), as well as books i can't get at the library and one splurge-y book. this month? i bought 10 books and spent $42 on them.

3. be accountable with monthly blog entries about all 'non-essential' spending: overall, books included, i spent $135 on non-essentials, plus $160 on eating out. i was over budget by $225 - which means i could have spent $70 on non-essentials and still been within budget. i am working through the "debt free forever" book i bought this month (more details in a later post) and it is really helping me have perspective on the TRUE cost of things i buy.

4. write two letters a week: christmas thank you notes took me well over this goal!

5. attend my church meetings: 2/5 in january. 40% is better than nothing, but i am eager to improve the percentage this month. especially if i can sit with friends and their kids and hear the awesome-ness that flows from a three year old's mouth.

6. get a massage once a month: oh yeah, had NO problem reaching this goal! (cheeky grins)

7. eat all servings of fruits & veggies each day: for the days i tracked (18) i averaged 4.2 out of 8 - a little room for improvement, hmmm?*

8. increase pedometer steps to 6000+ per day: i'm sorry - what was the question? i can't seem to hear you - we must have a bad connection. i will get back to you next month ... *

9. read the book of mormon: started!

10. *secret goal*: surprisingly, even though the month had a lot of events that could have derailed this goal, i am progressing on it nicely. i feel good about that - and really, that is the basis of this one - how i am feeling is crucial to its success.

sorry for the dull post. you were my journal today, but tomorrow should be more fun!

*these goals are being tracked in my third, VERY dry, VERY dull blog (aka: food journal). you can read it here. it is great for putting you to sleep!!

committing myself ...

2010-01-30T16:32:00.003-07:00

no, not to the mental hospital (however much it might benefit me). i am committing to something even better! a whole month of BLOGGING EVERYDAY! just a little personal challenge i am looking forward to achieving. no promises on quality or quantity, but consistent? oh yes, i will be consistent.

see you monday ...

wednesday wonderings ...

2010-01-27T14:33:00.006-07:00

first, a quick update on "the pit" ... i have set up camp near the pit and am doing a virtual version of archaeology. sifting through the sands, reading the hieroglyphics on the walls, searching out the tools and other items left behind. basically i am striving to get a better understanding of it all. but at the end of each day i return to my camp outside the pit - and count it a blessing that i am able to do so.

but here are some things i am wondering about ...

1. how does anyone cope gracefully with aging parents? watching the people who both created and ruled your world for so very long suffer illnesses, become weaker, forgetful, and somehow more vulnerable and fragile is a challenge i am not yet embracing.

2. who decided that it was a good idea to invent those headlights that feel like hi-beams when they are just in regular mode? and then put them on trucks? sometimes, when driving at night, i feel i am being BLINDED BY THE SUN when one of those puppies pulls up behind me.

3. why can't there be a prolonged space in time when housework actually stays DONE? before you even finish doing laundry, you have created more (unless you are buck naked, and there are rules about that sort of thing when living with room mates). unless you cease eating, there will always be at least a dish or two that needs washing. and don't even get me started on vacuuming, dusting and cleaning a bathroom.

4. why is a frozen entree good for a lunch at the office but depressing if i eat it at home? i feel like the lonely old spinster cat lady when i eat one of those things in my house!

5. what is the best advice you were ever given (that you can recall at this moment)?

these are just some of the things on my mind this wonderful/weird/wacky wednesday ...

the psychology of illness ...

2010-01-15T03:37:00.005-07:00

sometimes we are physically ill. sometimes we are mentally ill. and sometimes our physical illnesses lead to, exacerbate, or just plain get outmaneuvered by, our mental illness.

such is the case for me.

i am in a bit of a pit at the moment. it isn't the deepest pit ever.

but ...

there are some shovels if i want to make it deeper, a comfy bed and some books to entertain me if i want to hang out for awhile, and a few people i know who would crawl into the pit and hang with me if i let them.

however ...

i also have at my disposal plenty of resources to get out of the pit - there are a couple of ladders over there, a rope dangling in front of me, an escalator against that wall, and i suspect that "up" button opens the door of an elevator.

and yet ...

i remain uncertain of the best (?) right (?) ideal (?) ... healthiest thing to do.

sometimes, in the past, i have dug the pit deeper and wallowed in it. other times, i have climbed out - or been pulled out - of the pit.

but i always end up back in the pit. and the mess i leave around me when i fall into it gets a little more embarrassing and harder to clean up each time.

the only productive thought that comes to mind is to explore the pit a little. come to a better understanding of how it came into existence, and then look for some other resources for not only getting out of the pit - but for filling it in a little. i am a spiritual person, and i have come to accept the answer to prayers that tells me this pit will always be a part of my life, but i also believe my job within that reality is to make the ground as level as possible - so that when it shows up in my path it is a dip, not a pit.

whatever direction i head, i will keep you posted ...

confessions of a bookaholic ...

2010-01-05T13:48:00.014-07:00

wow! my post on enriching literature received more comments than any other i have written - thank you! y'all are literary minded, i suppose ...

i bought my january book last night. i am not sure if i am pleased i made it to january FOURTH or ashamed i didn't hold out until at least the 15th, but whichever emotion i am feeling the most, it is accompanied by a healthy dose of surprise. why, you ask? because THE BOOK IS NON FICTION! i know! who would have imagined i would do something so crazy?? here it is:

as i perused it in the store, i liked what i found - i feel her methods are in alignment with my philosophy regarding debt reduction. i am certain i will feel validated and challenged by turns ... and that i will LEARN something along the way.

since i was shopping with a gift card, and a discount coupon, i was also able to buy this book:

i now own all but one book on my list of enriching literature for 2010. i am sure it will be february's book buy!

and, after receiving about eleventeen hundred recommendations, i picked up this one as well (soooo excited):

total cost? $8.73!

so here is the bookaholic part ...

i love getting, having, reading, re-reading, touching, re-arranging, talking about, bragging about, and just generally being surrounded by books. i have never regretted owning a book. i have almost always regretted selling/getting rid of a book. it is a genuine addiction. i am okay with this for the most part. but i have some concerns as well. the goal this year is to make sure books enrich my life, not run it. consequently, i am no longer putting a number on the books to be read this year. rather, i am going to read at a more moderate pace and get into real life a little more diligently.

i have added a list of books i would like to read to the side of this blog - i will add to it as the year progresses, and will cross off the ones i have finished. the book at the top of the list is the one i am currently working on.

phew! confession IS good for the soul ...

10 in 2010 ...

2010-01-01T00:01:00.007-07:00

some years, i set too many goals to succeed. some years i don't put the bar high enough. both ends of the spectrum are undesirable. this year, the metric system is my friend and i am planning 10 goals i have thought about for awhile and feel confident will help me grow, and that are attainable so i can succeed often.

1. read one quality book a month (see list in this post)
because reading is like tv to me, i often read fluffy books - this goal is intended to provide me with a little more of an intellectual workout ...

2. buy no more than one book per month
uh yeah. as usual, the book buying was a little insane this year. i can't just STOP cold turkey, but if i allow myself one book treat a month, i am certain to use that freedom more wisely. also, the public library will thank me (even more than they already do) ...

3. be accountable with monthly blog entries about all 'non-essential' spending
when i write about what i spend, i am more careful about where i spend it!

4. write two letters a week
i have really missed writing and sending letters this year ... i even stopped doing bday cards around april. i enjoy making the cards, writing the letters, and the process of addressing them and sending them off - with a hope tucked inside that it will make someone smile just for a minute when they see mail that isn't junk or a bill! so, if you wanna be a recipient, make sure you drop me a line with your address. as for the annual 'christmas letter'? well, it became a 'new year's' letter in 2009 and i plan to continue that trend - and yes, this year it will again be an electronic letter. with stamps to the u.s. going for 93 cents each, i have to be fiscally responsible for at least a couple more years ...

5. attend my church meetings
for a variety of reasons (ranging from illness to laziness and from challenging personal relationships to deeper concerns) i have been struggling and not attending to these meetings in a way that fills my reservoirs - and i am craving that sustenance. time to get back to the basics ...

6. get a massage once a month
while this is fairly self-explanatory, i feel it is important to note this falls under the 'emotional health' category of goals - there is something soothing and strengthening about having someone care for your physical body while your mind wanders and your spirit is renewed. when i have a massage regularly, i feel stronger in every way ...

7. eat all servings of fruits & veggies each day
again, this is something i WAS doing meticulously and have lost sight of lately. i always feel better (physically & psychologically) when i get in the f&v's - and doing so always leads to other wise choices, so it is back on the list ...

8. increase pedometer steps to 6000+ per day
2009 was the first year i monitored this and i went from an average of 1800/day in february to an average of 3900/day in december - more than a 100% increase! this goal will keep me 'moving' in the right direction ...

9. read the book of mormon
i used to read this every year - but i got out of the habit and in many ways miss it. so, here it is - back on the list ...

10. *secret goal*
i know, i know, for someone who is so open, this is bound to seem a little odd. it is also certain to create some speculating and curiosity. i doubt i will ever reveal on the blog what this goal is, but i will say it is really more of a sacred goal than a secret one, and if you want to know more, you can contact me privately ...

so. there you have it. 2010 all mapped out! of course, as per usual, it is unlikely the map will follow the path i anticipate, but i am a firm believer in that being a good thing. 90% of the time the place i end up (which is never the place i planned) is better than what i had chosen. as for the other 10%? well, let's just say it eventually takes me where i NEED to be.

2010? bring it ...

things i can ...

2009-12-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

... live without in 2010:

*car repairs
*sneezing at least 5 times in a row when i wake up in the morning
*oh, about 140 pounds
*paper cuts
*mean people
*creaking joints
*maltesers (yes, this is a minor miracle)
*having my picture taken
*filing
*throwing up

... NOT live without in 2010:

*chapstick
*hugs from my sisters
*thai dinners with my mom
*watching tv shows on DVD with my dad
*a trip or two to red deer
*reading some good books
*a fan in the summer and fleece sheets in the winter
*j.r. watkins lemon cream hand lotion
*ice cream
*lots and lots - i mean COPIOUS amounts - of laughter

how about you? what is something you can live without? and something you can not live without?

2009 in review ...

2009-12-23T11:08:00.004-07:00

before i share 2010's goals with you, here is a brief recap on how the goals from 2009 went ...

1. read "the count of monte cristo" by alexander dumas ... okay, so it is december 23rd and i haven't accomplished this one yet. i still have 8 days. i will get back to you.

2. be early ... um. not so successful at this one. would be good to add this to the list again, but instead of doing so, i am simply putting some other goals in place that will help this to happen more often.

3. continually strive to increase health by:
*take my lunch hour away from my desk ... 75% #FAIL!! room for improvement for 2010!
*continue to do yoga 2x a week ... 95% #FAIL!! changing to once a week for 2010
*maintain journal of food, activity, and emotions to help identify problem spots as well as celebrate successes ... 90% SUCCESS!! i really did learn a lot about myself and other issues related to food and whatnot this past year (see my other blog for more information).

4. socialize ... definitely succeeded in this department, but not in the way i anticipated. i feel very good about the progress in this area and am confident the habits i established in 2009 will carry forward into next year!

overall, i am most surprised by how AWARE i remained of the goals throughout the year. there isn't one on this list that i wasn't actively trying to implement more each month. i think that means my goals were appropriate and relevant - always a good thing.

but really? the success of the year hinges on whether or not "the count of monte cristo" gets read in the next 8 days!

seriously.

enriching literature ...

2009-12-21T19:42:00.002-07:00

i have decided i need to 'class up' my reading a little next year. sure, i read a lot of books - i am on #97 for the year so far ... and the next two weeks are full of time to increase that number ... but they are all pretty mindless 'brain candy'. i want to get a little more than filling in time from my reading next year. for that reason, i am setting a goal of reading one 'enriching' book each month for during 2010. i will post a short review after each book is read.

i want to leave myself open to new books that come out in the next year that i feel would fit this category, so i am only pre-choosing 9 for now ...

1. the poisonwood bible (barbara kingsolver)
2. the book thief (markus zusak)
3. the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime (mark haddon)
4. 1000 splendid suns (khalid hosseini)
5. book of negroes (lawrence hill)
6. the glass castle (jeannette walls)
7. the pillars of the earth (ken follett)
8. her fearful symmetry (audrey niffenegger)
9. made in the usa (billie letts)

10 - 12 to follow later ...

i will also read any (and all) new books that come out from: amanda quick, anne perry, catherine coulter, elizabeth george, faye kellerman, janet evanovich, jd robb, jo beverley, jonathan kellerman, kate atkinson, lisa lutz, lisa unger, liz carlyle, loretta chase, lori wick, meg gardiner, minette walters, patricia cornwell, robert b. parker, sabrina jeffries, stephenie meyer, sue grafton, or tess gerritsen ... to name but a few.

have you read any of these? if so, please let me know what you think!

stream of consciousness (#2) ...

2009-12-14T13:19:00.010-07:00

more musings from moi ...

*singing for supper is my new favouritest thing in the whole wide world. an outgrowth of the former huron carol concert series, it stars tom jackson and is the reason i happy today - three days after attending the most amazing event of the past 10 years. tom jackson, you healed my heart.

*yes. my heart needed healing

*work is crazy and not much fun ... nuff said

*mr. tummy troubles visited me all day wednesday and into thursday - anyone else despise the dry heaves?? ginger ale and pretzels are my friend.

*slipped and fell on the ice last week. banged up the right knee, ankle and calf. but nothing was broken so i am very grateful!

*last monday the power went out from 4 am to 9 am. the temperature in the house dropped to 9 degrees. the garage door wouldn't open. i was too dumb to know there was a simple red cord i could pull to release it. late for work (see above)

*cold. i am so very cold. when i am not so very cold, i am usually a little too warm.

*yesterday the pipes froze. missed church. really wanted to go.

*watched the season finale of dexter ... OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*it says "mint and chocolate ice cream twisted with candy cane pieces". it should say "WARNING! DANGER! EVIL CONTAINED HEREIN!!" oh, and it is delicious.

*after last year's diatribe against christmas and the "joys" of accommodating multiple blended family, i will simply say this: the only day off i will have all holiday season is december 25th. weird. looking forward to reading all of the count of monte cristo for christmas day!

okay. that's it for now. i really do have high hopes for starting the spending moratorium. i also have high hopes for posting real blog entries! hmmm ... good thing the new year is on its way - goal setting here i come!!

stay warm, dry or cool (depending on your location), and remember to pause a little bit over the next couple of weeks and just enjoy the meaning of this season - giving, sharing, and peace.

stream of consciousness (#1) ...

2009-12-03T14:26:00.015-07:00

so busy. lots of things to say. no time to type. enjoy ...

1. driving home the other night. paul mccartney's "wonderful christmas time" came on. as far from profound as a song can be. repetitive as all get out. AND it was playing before cath's 'acceptable-date-to-start-playing-christmas-music' (dec 1st in case you were wondering). and yet ... it made me smile. actually, it made me grin, bop & sing along all the way home.

2. i have discovered i have two speeds: full throttle and inert. this is not acceptable. once things slow down i will try to figure out a compromise. (yes. i see the irony.)

3. i am not good at delegating. i was for awhile, but i got lazy and now i am behind.

4. as my car slipped around the corner and the other car got closer and closer, i simply breathed deeply and turned into the spin and everything worked out. i didn't even cry when it was over. maturity can be a good thing.

5. for the first time in my life, i am concerned about the wrinkles on my face. maturity can be a bad thing.

6. no matter how easy i find it to socialize and interact with other humanoids, i am still ridiculously nervous when talking face to face with men in positions of authority over me.

7. whole grain rice isn't as atrocious as i thought it would be.

8. the 'vanilla bean noel' scent from bath and body works makes everyday a special day.

9. laser hair removal works.

10. after months without seeing a movie, i have been to TWO in the last couple of weeks ... 'this is it' and 'new moon'. liked 'em both. but not as much as the CD and the book, respectively.

11. goal was to read 104 books before the end of the year. have read 92. goal was also to read count of monte cristo ... one of these goals will not be accomplished. i will keep you posted on which way it goes.

12. adoption is a lovely option. i am so sorry for a dear friend for whom it did not work out, and who is still grieving that loss. at the same time, i am overjoyed for the friend for whom it did work out. i pray everyone in both situations will be blessed.

13. shoes. i am thinking about shoes A LOT. i need some good shoes - one in tan, one in black & one in navy. they have to be flat, fun, and comfortable. i know, i am asking for the impossible.

14. purses. i think i might actually be leaving the purse addiction behind! or maybe i am too lazy and busy to change things up as often as i used to. too soon to tell.

15. having a garage to park my car in has increased my quality of life exponentially. i highly recommend it. especially if it is below zero where you are.

that's it. hope to be back soon ...

buy nothing day ...

2009-11-27T11:11:00.004-07:00

well. isn't this fortuitous?? buy nothing day (how did i not know about this until now???) is today and tomorrow - how appropriate for a gal who is getting back on the spending moratorium wagon.

this go around i will be more flexible, but just as accountable (apologies to those who aren't interested in reading about where my selfish single paycheque goes).

i am still working out the guidelines ... but i will do my best to make it more insightful than merely factual. and if i can make you laugh at me along the way, so much the better!

bringing back the moratorium ...

2009-11-26T14:41:00.003-07:00

and since tomorrow is black friday (a day symbiotically connected with shopping) i think it the ideal date to start up again.

this is prompted by an increase in spending of almpost 390% since going off "the plan". oh yeah. and a large car repair bill.

details to follow tomorrow ...

a mini happiness project ...

2009-11-06T14:38:00.022-07:00

"there is no duty we so underrate as the duty of being happy. by being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." robert louis stevenson

this is going to sound a little crazy but i have never been happier in my life than i am right now.

"sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." mark twain

things aren't going spectacularly: i am not healthy, wealthy nor wise. but i am happy. the kind of deep seated happiness that isn't conquered by fretting, fatigue or falling short of the mark. a genuine state of mind - and a conscious choice.

"most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." abraham lincoln

i mentioned to a co-worker that i was not concerned about the future, because i am making the right choices - and when i do what is right, things work out. heck, even when i am wrong, they EVENTUALLY work out anyway! so i don't see a reason to get worked up over, well, anything. i know i haven't always been this way, and we all know i won't always maintain this outlook, but right now it is easy for me to say that being happy in the midst of trials is possible.

"my life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet i'm happy. i can't figure it out. what am i doing right?" charles schulz

her reaction was to ask me how i knew i was making the right choices. all i could offer was the fact that i have made enough decisions in my life - some stellar, some good, some adequate, and some truly atrocious - to recognize the feel of a good choice. and the need to trust in it and MOVE FORWARD ...

"action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." benjamin disraeli

once i make a choice and move forward, i invariably find times when i need to make course corrections - one tiny degree of change now can lead to a place miles away from my originally anticipated or desired destination. i have made these course changes many times of my life - when i look back over the last 20 years worth of choices, i can promise you i would NEVER have plotted to be where i am! but each choice, each change, led me to here and now and, while getting here a little richer, thinner, and with less grey hair would have been nice, i do not want to change where i traveled or (more importantly) the experiences i have had that brought me here. having said that, there are still things i want for my future.

"to be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." bertrand russell

this is where my capacity to dream, fantasize, plan, discuss, ponder, re-word, attempt, and try, try again come in so very handy. and this is where the "rubber met the road" in deciding to believe that i could be happy even when everything seemed to be going to heck in a hand basket. for me, happiness has not been found in things, people, or even the magic pills my wise counselor convinced me to try (side note: anti-depressants do not make you happy. rather, they level the playing field in your head so you can see more clearly and choose happiness). for me, happiness has been found in forgiving (others and myself), being good and kind (to myself and others), and abandoning comparisons wherever possible.

"you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. you will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." albert camus

now, this isn't all sunshine, butterflies and rainbows - there are days where happiness moves beyond elusive to downright obscured. experience has shown me that the only way to survive such attacks on happiness is to remind myself "this, too, shall pass" and never, ever, give up. even at my most depressed, i have known that it wouldn't last forever. even when i have wanted to stop hurting so much i believed ceasing to exist would be the best solution (don't anyone freak out and think i am suicidal, but hey, it is a reality that severely depressed people often hurt so much ANY option is preferable to continued suffering; but most of us hold on - by the skin of our teeth if need be).

"the grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." allan k. chalmers

there is always something i want to do - read the next book, visit with that special friend i miss dearly, see another play on broadway, eat that dessert (you know, that one with the this and the that?), accomplish that task i wondered if i could, hug my sisters again, and ... the list goes on. there are so many people and things to love (family, friends, strangers on the internet, friends of friends and yes, even enemies; micro fleece sheets, mint chapstick, BOOKS!, stuffies, a great pair of jeans and pets). and there is always something to hope for - laughter, time with cherished people, improved health, love, success, and always learning.

"happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." mohandas k. gandhi

i couldn't agree more ...
------------------------------------

your turn - what do you think about happiness? what makes you happy? do you have any favorite quotes on happiness? please share!

r.i.p. moratorium ...

2009-10-08T18:47:00.000-06:00

here we are. ok. here i am. one day before the official end of the spending moratorium. but, in reality, it died late last week. i could blame its demise on all sorts of things - from feeling punk (which is dumb, cause i have been feeling that way for weeks) to freaking out over not spending money any-way-i-want-to-thank-you-very-much (which is valid, cause the pressure has been building). but the bottom line is this: i stopped trying to stop myself from spending.

i stopped being concerned with staying on budget and was only concerned about living in the moment. as i often do with efforts to improve my health, i chose what feels GOOD right now over what feels BEST overall. delaying gratification is not naturally part of my genetic make-up!!

here is the final "non-essentials" spending breakdown:

books - $88.15
clothes - $132.25
eating out - $312.42
fun stuff - $11.07
gifts - $139.46
junk food - $130.53
parking - $15.00

outgoing: $828.88
incoming: $200.34 (ebay sales, returning items)

total spent: $628.54 - an average of $10.48 a day

the only number that really concerns me is the eating out. the next most concerning number is obviously the junk food one. but everything else is pretty okay in my book.

now. where do i go from here? first, allow me to share the top 5 things i learned from this experiment:

1. being accountable DOES help!
2. i need to work in a book store
3. eating out actually makes me FEEL good ... but eating something i made myself at home feels much better
4. i will spend every penny i budget ... and then spend some more; i need to get my spending habits in shape BEFORE i am debt free - or i am likely to just spend all that money, too!
5. not experiencing "buyer's remorse" is a great thing!!

second, here are the top three things i want to do going forward:

1. eat out only once per week and only when socializing (this is connected to goals i set with my dietitian (posting on cath's cravings about this will be up soon))
2. use a cash & envelope system: put the money for each category in a labeled envelope, when the money is gone, yer done spending (and leave cards at home to avoid impulsively going over-budget) ... this may take awhile for me to implement - i feel vulnerable without my cards!!
3. make no impulse buys - make a list of things i want to own; if i see something new, i will add it to the list

and finally, here is the new plan:

1. make up budget for next six months (october 9, 2009 to march 31, 2010)
2. increase budget for spending, but be more specific about where the funds can be spent
3. pay off 2 debts by march 31, 2010 (VERY do-able if i stick to the budget!)
4. track spending and report any over-expenditures on blog once a month
5. carry a book of some sort with me EVERYWHERE to avoid impulse purchases - i am already really good about using the library!

and to close - a little touch of irony ... i put 5 purses on ebay and made $36.48!!! but it cost me $30.34 to send them. net gain: $6.14 - soooooooo not worth it. next time, i will just give them away and save a trip to the post office!

phew! onward and upward ...

all heck has broken loose ...

2009-10-05T13:56:00.003-06:00

as a result, eating, spending, sleeping (and any other -ing that is supposed to be limited in some fashion) has gone bazoinkers. i am eating whatever i can stomach and whenever i can make myself prepare something. i am buying books and ebay items like a millionaire (okay, like a hundred-aire). and i am sleeping more than 50% of the day. yes, you read that right - MORE THAN HALF MY TIME IS SPENT SLEEPING!!!

i blame it on the mono.

i don't know yet if i have mono, but until the blood tests come back, i am using it as my excuse.

will keep you posted ...

month-end money memo (september 09) ...

2009-09-29T19:21:00.001-06:00

i need to share with you the number one lesson i am being taught this year. it is not a lesson i am learning quickly. nor is it one which i am enjoying being tutored in - in fact, it is challenging all my preconceived notions about myself, life, universe and everything. (and no. the answer is not 42 ... although i really do like that number.)

are you ready? ok. here goes:

i am not perfect.
i never will be perfect.
i don't need to be perfect to be worthwhile.

i know, you are shocked - but, i assure you, nowhere near as shocked as i was! me? NOT ABLE to be perfect?? and i need to be OKAY with this? shut the front door.

in case you are wondering, i did not sign up for this course on purpose. the universe determined this was my year to learn, hopefully once-and-for-all-time-ever-and-ever-amen, that a lack of perfection does not equal I AM A BAD PERSON.

making mistakes, falling short of the mark, and all other naturally occurring events do not lessen my worth. missing church, being so sick i can't make it to work (which has been happening far too often this past year), and fighting with my family does not mean i am worthless. being overweight, in debt, and struggling with depression does not make me less worth loving. but sometimes i sure feel like it does. i am a champion nit-picky-picker-apart-er when it comes to my own life.

to give it a simpler definition - i am an 'all or nothing' kind of gal. if it ain't black, it is white - grey is not allowed. of course, this simply is not true, but trying to re-wire my brain to accept this concept has led to many blown fuses and a couple of electrical fires.

this money confessional is an excellent example: i spent countless hours over the last 4 days trying to decide how to "fudge" my numbers so i wouldn't look so bad. DUH? but here is why i am not going to do that: lying (cause, really, that is what "fudging" is) will not change what i spent. and it will not help me see that reality. so. here goes:

money in:
1. did two online surveys for $10!!
2. items listed on ebay, but funds have not yet been received (will add to next update)

money out:
1. i went over budget by $165.54 - GAH!
2. eating out: $95.14 - WHAT!?!
3. junk food: $15.21 - impressive improvement!
4. gifts: $45.02 - totally acceptable amount
5. card making supplies: $5.73 - impulse buy, and it will be well-used
6. parking: $15.00 - i misread the sign, so it was $15 instead of $1!
7. clothes: $100.78 - SURPRISE!

so here's the thing ... i didn't think i would need any new clothes during my 60 day spending moratorium. but then my jeans ripped - and in a place that (even once patched) makes them no longer casual-day-at-the-office appropriate. but i could have waited until after october 9th, right!?!?! and i would have. if i hadn't walked into that store when i was bored, sick, and (yes) a little depressed. it was the first time i had been out of my house in FOUR days (discussion on agoraphobia to follow later). and they fit. OMGosh do they fit! i didn't know jeans COULD fit like this!?!

but did buying them make me feel good? OH NO IT DIDN'T! cause i knew i would have to report to you! so i have hemmed (which the jeans also need), and hawed and taken ALL THE JOY out of finding an amazing pair of jeans (after trying on 11 crappy pairs).

now, lest you think i spent $100.78 on just a pair of jeans, allow me to clarify: i also bought a sweater. it was a "buy one get one 40% off" deal. i know, some people think that $70 isn't a bad price for jeans - and that i am totally bound by the rules of shopping to make use of that **SPECIAL** chance to buy something at 40% off. but the last pair of jeans i bought (december 2006) were $19.99 and i don't like buying things unless the percentage off is above 50 ... and i didn't TRULY need a sweater, did i??

so how does the start of this post tie into the jeans? well, it's like this: i started this experiment in an effort to spend money only on essentials. i also committed to being honest. i didn't set out to fret myself into an ulcer if i wasn't PERFECT at my goals.

as such, i am now going to sit back (in my new jeans & sweater) and start learning how to enjoy the grey.

in case you live under a rock and haven't heard ...

2009-09-20T11:00:00.001-06:00

mid-month money memo (september 09) ...

2009-09-14T12:12:00.008-06:00

well, i wish i had better news to report ... i was doing so well the first week, but i kind of crashed in the second. having said that, it was an improvement over the previous pay period so all is not a loss.

i am $120 over budget, and i spent $167.37 on "non-essentials" which breaks down as follows:

entertainment (aka: A BOOK) - $24.10 ... i regret this purchase. had i made it at a giant chain store, i would return it. but i bought it at a little family owned book shoppe and i simply can't do it. *sigh*

gifts - $27.30 ... $10.00 on a bridal shower group gift at work, and $17.30 on a housewarming gift for my sister. no regrets here.

eating out - $52.54 ... and that was SIX TIMES in two weeks!! sheesh. crazy when i think of all the good food in my home.

junk food - $63.43 ... and i wonder why the scale doesn't ever go in the direction i want!? this is INSANE. i know where i will be focusing my energy this next pay period.

here is the most enlightening part: i could have bought the book and the two gifts and i would have only be over budget by about $3 ... needless to say, it is my stomach (and all the food issues associated with it) that is killing my bank account.

also disappointing is the fact that i have a few items to be put up on ebay, but i haven't "gotten around to it". i will have done so before i update again!!

i am 35 days into this challenge and i have learned the following things:

1. when this is experiment is over, i will probably have to adjust my budget since the essentials are taking up almost all of it - which means once i allow myself to buy non-essentials, it will always go over what i currently have allotted.

2. i need to be more detailed in my budget - saying i have $300 for all spending (groceries, gas, entertainment, gifts, clothes, etc.) is too dangerous. i need to be more specific about how much each major category has. i am implementing this change immediately.

3. knowing i have to "report in" has helped me refrain from buying "things" ... but not food. yet another layer to contemplate in the food addiction i am battling.

4. i spend more in the first 3 days after i am paid than i do the rest of the time. i want to spread it out a little more going forward.

5. there are soooooo many things i like to do that cost no money.

6. there are soooooo many MORE things i like to do that DO cost money! ... this process has really led me to consider what is most enjoyable and where i get the biggest return on investment. $12.50 to go see a movie by myself? for me, a bad investment. $12.50 to go see a movie with my sister and get a tonne of visiting time in? totally worth the investment. $3.18 for a bag of maltesers i eat mindlessly as i read a book? bad investment. $3.18 for a bag of maltesers i eat while watching a (free) movie at home and visit with my roomie? excellent investment. $6.30 on a drive-thru dinner at DQ THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK? very unwise investment. $6.30 on a drive-thru dinner at DQ once every couple of months? a worthwhile treat.

gee. there seems to be a common theme here. do you hear it? do you? cause it is a chanting that is getting louder and louder all the time: moderation, moderation, moderation, MODERATION, MODERATION!!!

i am looking forward to this next two weeks and the chance to implement my learning - and i look forward to your answer to this question:

if you were given $100,000 tax free, what are the first 3 three things you would do with the money? i will tell you mine next time ...

blog post #100 & i have something to say ...

2009-09-09T09:09:00.002-06:00

to celebrate a hundred posts of telling it the way i see it, here is one that is a little more direct than most: a blogger i like (greedygrace) was challenged to "list ten things you would say to ten different people in your life ... if you had the chutzpah."

here's my version:

1. TO THE FRIENDS WHO DON'T WRITE/CALL BACK: i will stop trying. maybe you are waiting for that, but if you aren't, well, consider this your notice. because i am learning the lesson of "if someone walks away from you, let them" ...

2. TO THE COWORKER WHO SLAMS EVERYONE: don't you realize that if we hear you speak ill of everyone else, we know you are speaking ill of us when we are not around? and don't you know how much that destroys our ability to trust you?

3. TO THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART: you didn't really. i did it all by myself. but you are still a jerk.

4. TO MY MOTHER: there is never as much money as you think there is. i am a dork for wanting you to be more like me. and i love your crazy butt to heaven and back.

5. TO MY FATHER: if you kill yourself while drinking and driving i will be devastated. if you kill someone else i am not sure how i will ever forgive you. i love you and respect you more than you have ever believed - and my feelings about you are not connected to your drinking. i didn't love you more when you were sober and i don't love you less now that you aren't. i just love you with all my heart.

6. TO MY LITTLE SISTER: your worth is not connected to anything you do - it is wrapped up in who you are. find out who that person is and love her with all the strength you have - i sure do!

7. TO MY LITTLEST SISTER: honesty may not be the easiest policy, but it truly is the best one. if you don't know what the truth is, find out. once you know it, declare it and live it.

8. TO MY ROOMMATE: the toilet paper goes OVER, not UNDER and i wish you would use your own hand towel and not get make-up all over mine. but you are so awesome and easy to live with i will never actually say these petty things to you.

9. TO GOD: you know what i need to say. and what i need to hear. i just wish my tongue would be loosed and my ears & heart opened to listen.

10. TO MYSELF: you are enough. just the way you are RIGHT NOW, you are enough.

your turn ...

open & honest ...

2009-09-08T11:23:00.003-06:00

a few people have commented, and a few more have emailed me to say, they think i am being brave by putting my spending information "out there" for everyone to see. i get similar comments on my weight loss blog - i mean, i actually tell everyone WHAT THE SCALE SAYS.

is it really so hard for people to be vocal about these things? i know it is, because i made neither decision lightly. but the truth is, some of the "taboo" topics are the ones that we are most concerned about. the ones that have such potential to hurt us. the ones we are afraid to be judged about. the ones we are certain make us "different" from everyone else. the ones we fear make us ... less worthy than everyone else. but perhaps talking about them will make them less stressful? less powerful (in a negative way)?

or maybe all this open & honest writing will bite me on the butt when i make a run for president. or prime minister. (it all depends on where i am living when i decide to lead a country) ...

or maybe i just don't have enough friends "in real life" so i need to talk about these things here.

nah. that's not it. the truth is, i belive it is helpful to have someone bring the tough topics into the light - to show we aren't alone in our concerns and fears. it would be even more helpful if people shared similar or divergent viewpoints in the comments - even if it is anonymously. but for now, i will pontificate and enjoy the validation of those who do comment and/or email. i appreciate both groups very, very much.

other not-fit-for-mixed-company topics i plan to address in the next few weeks include: health care reform; religious fervor and being a grown up; dishonesty, scare tactics, and CYA at work; and (for some light-hearted fun) the death penalty.

stay tuned!!

monday morning money memo #3 ...

2009-08-31T12:27:00.005-06:00

i ended up being $150 over budget for the last pay period (august 14-28) - and spent $220 on non-essentials. funny. i could have spent $70 on non-essentials and i would still have been within budget. the sale/return of items contributed, but the concept deserves some thought, and shall ponder it in the weeks to come.

this past week was actually a huge improvement on the past two. i did not bring in any money via selling/returning items, but i did avoid spending! i ate dinner out twice for a total of $12.60, succumbed to the peanut buster parfait siren's call ($4.61), and bought a book ($6.61) - but hey, that is the first book in THREE WEEKS! that has to be a record of some kind for me ... i also had some expenses come up i wasn't anticipating that led to the $70 over budget for the week.

in the success department: we had a going away lunch for someone at work and i went to be supportive, but brought my own lunch and was going to have just a pop and visit. however, a boss-type person paid for it, so i did order lunch. i also packed 1/2 away for a second meal so this was a financial AND a healthy eating victory!!

i am excited to start a new pay period and see how i can improve from the last one. i have also decided to do these updates at the end of each pay - instead of weekly. it flows better, and you are less likely to skip to the end ... or stop reading all together!!

bottom line: 21 days into the spending moratorium, and i am not as successful as hoped for, but further ahead than i would have been without it.

inside cath's studio ...

2009-08-25T10:22:00.001-06:00

i admit it. i like "inside the actor's studio" (and, of course, will ferrell's impersonation of james lipton ...). yes, it is because i wish to one day sit in the actor's chair. until then, i will have to be satisfied answering the standard questions here.

what is your favorite word? lightbulb

what is your least favorite word? impossible

what turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? laughter

what turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? cruelty

what sound or noise do you love? a steady, light rainfall

what sound or noise do you hate? anything BEEPING

what is your favorite curse word? ass

what profession other than your own would you like to attempt? actor (duh), corporate trainer

what profession would you not like to do? anything smelly ...

if heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? yup. they are here too.

please leave your answers to these questions in the comments, or on your blog and link to it so i can enjoy!

monday morning money memo #2 ...

2009-08-24T12:22:00.008-06:00

don't worry - i have a REAL post to put up this week - in fact i am working on THREE real posts ... but i have to deal with the moolah news first.

there were some high and low points this past week, but overall, i am still further ahead than i would have been without the increased awareness the spending moratorium has given me.

total amount out = $127.43(yikes!)
total amount in = $56.98 (yippee!)
bonus good news: amount spent on "dexter: season 3" = $0.00

overall, this puts me at net spending of $70.45 for the week ... but, more tragically, $80.00 over-budget for this pay period. however, to put it in perspective, i have been over-budget an average of $235 each pay period for the last 5 months - perfection would be nice, but improvement is a victory!

where did the money go, you ask? well, it was a little jaunt to red deer that really did me in - without it, i would have only spent about $40 this past week *sigh*. that forty would have been as follows: $9.70 to send a former roomie her mail, $30.15 on junk food. instead, i ended up spending $29.80 on gas for the trip, an additional $17.13 on junk food, and $35.71 on eating out ... plus $5.34 for the awesomest coloured pens ever! no regrets.

as for the incoming funds - another ebay sale netted me that sweet bump up. all the funds are being put on the credit card i have chosen to pay off first (my debt-reduction philosophy follows the snowball principle: make minimum payments on all debts except for one, which you put all available money toward. once that is paid off, you put the money that is no longer needed there on the next one, and so on ... if you want a more detailed explanation (or help building your snowball chart), let me know in the comments.

and the "dexter" triumph? i caved and bought season 3 on tuesday when i saw it at walmart (i was there to get my tires rotated - NOT to shop!) ... but i returned it THE NEXT DAY! aren't you proud? i was. a little sad. but more proud.

i need to pick up a few veggies for lunches this week, so i know i will go a few more dollars over-budget, but i am still excited about this experiment and the things i am learning.

question: when you spend more than you plan/want to, where does the money usually go? for me - eating out is the biggest culprit, but i want to know your money-pit temptation ...

(ADDENDUM) i have decided to close communication because ...

2009-08-19T14:11:00.008-06:00

... your name is ZUCCHINI!!

i kid you not.

monday morning money memo #1 ...

2009-08-17T14:22:00.005-06:00

i think monday is a good day to check-in. it might help keep me honest over the weekend which is the shopaholic's danger zone. it is similar to how i weigh-in on monday so i don't go insane on the weekend!

added to the "necessity list" is the haircut i got on the weekend. now, if it was something i did 4-5 times a year and it cost $50 or more each time, i would put it under the unneccessary banner. however, i do so about 3 times a year and the total (with tax & tip) was $21.75. anyone have an objection to that expenditure?

the biggest discovery i made this week was how i UNDERestimate how much money i have spent when i tell people about my "great deals". i returned three items on wednesday and thought they were worth $52.00 ... try $59.80! $7.80 is significant - it is the equivalent of one of my monthly charitable donation. then, on the weekend, i returned two more items - for a total of $62.97 (which i had bragged about getting for $55) - another $7.97 discrepancy. then, i sold 3 unused/needed items for a total of $15.00.

money in = $137.22

alas, it isn't ALL hearts and flowers ...

i went out for dinner with my sister, which had been planned before i implemented the spending moratorium, but as i am being fully accountable - $15.95. i ate out for dinner one night because i couldn't get home and i had been too lazy to make something in the morning that i could take on the road with me - $8.60. ANOTHER dinner out because i stayed at work so late i couldn't go home for dinner and still make it to my evening event - $18.00. and finally, when i was returning things, i happened to find a sweater (yes, i know - what was i doing even looking!?!?) that was exactly what i have been looking for (for about TWO YEARS) ... so, i bought it - $31.47 (on sale from $89.00!! ... that has to count for something, yes??).

money out = $71.03

net gain = $66.19

i am very pleased with week one's results. if i had not sold/returned items, i would already have used my spending allowance - and i don't get to replenish it until august 28th! but i have filled my gas tank, my kitchen cupboards, and paid all my bills and there is money left over! OMGoodness!

here's hoping it is still there when i check in next monday ...

spending moratorium ...

2009-08-11T14:09:00.013-06:00

i have been living on a budget for some time now, and while not perfect, have managed to do pretty well at curbing non-necessary spending and paying down debt.

then i got a bonus at work.

all heck seemed to break loose in my mind and i have been a spending FIEND ever since. yes, some legitimate expenses were paid for, and a certain amount of money spent on clothes, books, and having fun is acceptable. but i want to be debt free in less than 3 years - and 15+ years of poor spending habits makes each month of the next 3 years crucial in achieving that goal.

but the most significant point is that i was not spending thoughtfully - rather it was all impulsive and it made me feel sooooo good! ... until it didn't.

some words i read today resonated so strongly i feel motivated (compelled?) to make a public declaration about my future spending. crazyauntpurl noted:

[I] confused buying/shopping with happiness. There was a time in my life when I shopped to fill up something empty. And I did it to excess, and I had credit card debt because of it. Plus I had a clutter problem that was insane. So I needed to stop bringing new things into the house, stop spending money, and start figuring out what I was trying to fill up with stuff. It has taken me a long time and I'm still not perfect at this. I still take spending breaks every few months. Sometimes I go nuts shopping (last month I spent all my discretionary money on yarn!) and then I dial it back for a while.

After four years of working on this personal issue, I can tell you my house is less cluttered than it's ever been, I still have plenty of stuff that I love and enjoy but now I can see it. It no longer takes me eleventeen days to clean the house, moving piles of clutter from here to there. And after all this time, I'm not one single cent in debt. So for me it has been worth it.
i, too would like to declutter and feel more organized. but mostly, i want to stop exceeding my spending budget by ONE HUNDRED PERCENT every paycheque.

here is the plan: cease all unnecessary spending for a period of 60 days

1. from august 11 to october 9 i will only buy necessities, which are:

rent
phone
gym membership
debt payments
gas for car / required maintenance
groceries
personal hygiene items (only what is needed, not stock-piling for armageddon - no matter what a good "deal" it is!!)

2. i will report any and ALL purchases that do not adhere to this rule on the blog. this includes gifts for others, eating out, entertainment, clothes, or anything else my impulsive mind comes up with!

3. i reserve the right to change what is a necessity, but commit to doing so publicly

4. i commit to returning unused, unnecessary items and selling on ebay any items i do not need that are collecting dust and/or causing me buyer's remorse - details to follow

now, to be clear, i do expect to eat out, to buy family & close friends a b-day gift, and perhaps a baby gift or two in the next 60 days. but knowing that i have to be accountable as i do so will limit my extravagance and ensure i am wise in these purchases.

this is not an impulsive decision - i have thought about doing this many, many, many, MANY times - but i either talk myself out of it, or i try to do it without telling anyone ... ha ha - as if an addict can go it alone!

whew! wish me luck ...

you wanna a fuji? here's a gala ...

2009-08-04T13:57:00.012-06:00

point number 1:
----------------------------
i recall, many a moon ago, my father complaining that other people don't seem to appreciate the kind things we do for them. however, i have also heard him bemoan the "service" of others that was in no way useful to him.

kind of a paradox, isn't it?

i mean, if we are given something we don't want, it can be hard to be as grateful as we would be were it what we really, really, really wanted. example: christmas morning the year you were 9 - you get underwear instead of a cabbage patch doll. gee. thanks.

but the truth is, we actually NEED the underwear! shouldn't we be more grateful to receive the things we need?

point number 2:
---------------------------
in the theory of "love languages", we all communicate our love for others in a variety of ways - but one is usually a more fluent language than the others. my best friend carrie communicates through service - so i am working to find ways to serve her so she will FEEL the love she KNOWS i have for her. me? i speak the language of quality time - when you spend a day (or 17) with me, i feel loved. when you don't have/make time for me, i FEEL unloved - even if i KNOW i am loved very much.

point number 3:
---------------------------
contrary to our deepest fears & wishes, there are no mind readers. if we want something, we generally need to ask for it.

point number 4:
---------------------------
during a recent conversation with some wise friends, i expressed my frustration that even after clearly expressing my needs/wants, i was left out in the cold by people i love. even the people who failed to provide me with what i had asked for (after committing to do so) admitted my requests were not unrealistic. but somehow i still got dropped. one of the wise friends pointed out that even if i don't get what i ask for, i need to remain aware of what i DO receive. in an effort to ensure i understood her, i asked if it was like me asking for an apple and getting an orange - it was still a fruit and good for me, so i shouldn't obsess over the missing apple. her response was that it was more a matter of me asking for an apple and getting half an apple. or asking for a fuji and getting a gala. **CLICK!**

and what is the point of all my points?

sometimes we ask for an apple, or help with a move, or for time together - and in return we get half an apple, a card wishing us well in our new home, and a text message. not getting what we ask for is not the same as not getting anything!

this experience was a powerful reminder of the need to take care of myself, and to be more aware of those i care about to ensure i am serving them in ways that are meaningful to them - not just do for them what i want them to do for me! lastly, it was a wake up call to see things as they really are - not filtered through my own insecurities or the sadness of unfulfilled requests.

oh, and it reminded me i need to pick up some granny smith apples on the way home ...

enough about me. what do YOU think about me? ...

2009-07-29T13:30:00.030-06:00

i have yet to meet someone who does not care, to some degree, what other people think about them. and those who seem most confident in who they are have people in their lives whose opinions matter. i think this can be a good thing - i really do! it can assist in keeping us accountable to ourselves, and helps ensure we are functioning members of society - and not sociopathic nut-jobs.

however, when what other people think about us determines what we think, and how we feel, about ourselves, something is not quite right. deciding what to do in a situation, or what to believe about a certain subject needs to be our own choice - not merely a reaction to someone else's espoused viewpoint. input from others can be valuable, but should not replace independent thinking and decision making.

finding a balance between the two is an ongoing challenge - especially when we are not at our best. at times of uncertainty, stress, pain, illness, sorrow, depression or grief we are more prone to peer-pressure (which, i am beginning to believe, NEVER ends) and we are more inclined to give the remote control over our feelings to other people.

even more damaging than letting other people's expressed opinions make our decisions for us is permitting what we THINK other people's opinions are dictate our internal monologue and assessment.

and this is why the following statement is necessary for sanity's sake:

"WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS"

first off, we have all been told - and it true - that 97.92% of the time, other people aren't thinking about you AT ALL! they are too busy thinking about themselves. the remaining 2.08% of the time they are thinking about their immediate friends/family, bad drivers that get in their way, and why the fashion police have not arrested lady gaga.

here is the other thing to remember: you do not always think kindly of other people - even the ones you love more than anything in the whole wide world!! if you never have a mean, petty, unkind, less-than-loving thought about other people you are either pollyanna's pollyanna or not from this planet. would you want the people you care about to decide their self-worth based on your less-charitable thoughts regarding them? i hope not.

during my recent time of low-tide, i spent too much time worrying about what everyone else thought of me because i was so weak. what i was really doing was hating myself for being weak - and using words i put in other people's minds and mouths to tear myself down further.

then a very wise friend asked me this question: when you get to the other side of this challenge; when you have conquered this particular demon, who among the people you know will say, "i knew you would - i never doubted for a minute you would beat this"?

as soon as i realized EVERYONE i knew (well, those who bother to think about me in their non-self-absorped 2.08% of time) would say this i also realized that i was the only one putting myself down.

people in the office, my friends, or even my family may talk behind my back - but i know from experience (i.e. being the one who talks behind someone else's back*) that it is usually done out of frustration at the added inconvenience, stress, or effort someone else's shortcomings have caused me. rarely is it a matter of not liking the person, or because i think they are a crazy, lazy or dumb.

so go ahead! think whatever you want about me. i still care, but i won't let it rule my life.

*yes, i know it is shocking to admit i do this, but hey, it's the truth ... and often it is all good stuff!

worthiness ...

2009-07-27T11:52:00.013-06:00

most of you are familiar with my “selfish-single” label by now … but i have discovered recently that being selfish isn’t the same as taking care of myself. as i pondered what that difference is, i am reminded that, when it comes right down to it, i am the only person who CAN or WILL take care of me. scary!

parents take care of kids - some kids take care of parents; spouses take care of each other, but single people are on their own. i receive support from others, but ultimately, it is up to me. in order to be clear, let me define some of what i mean by “take care” ...

who pays my bills?
who earns the money to pay them?
who cleans the home?
who does the laundry?
who takes out the garbage?
who sees to car repairs?
who cooks the food?
who does the dishes?
who makes sure doctor appointments are made and kept?
who takes care of the me when i am sick?
who plans opportunities to socialize?
who funds those events?
who enjoys a quiet night at home with me?
who shares the ups and downs of my day?
who celebrates my successes?
when i hit rock bottom, who pull me up and out of the pit????

disclaimer: lots of people who are married are carrying all, or most, of the burden themselves; lots of others are emotionally alone in the midst of a marriage; and many single people have a strong network (family/friends) that enable them to feel part of a team in dealing with the above. this is not about them, or about comparison. this is about me realizing that i am alone (note: not lonely) & learning how to accept, integrate, and succeed within that reality.

i have lots of friends - just ask facebook! i have great friends - just as them (or me!). and i have a family i love immensely. but i have been reminded from time to time that i have no one other than me that i can count on unconditionally. perhaps no one does?

and don’t get me wrong - i like balancing the chequebook and spending the money coming in without consulting anyone else; i love deciding what i am doing for the evening, weekend, vacation, my career, etc without having to take anyone else’s opinions/needs into consideration ... that’s the joy of the selfish single life!

but when i was feeling so low i couldn’t even reach out to friends to ask for a little uplifting, there was no one around to notice. and when i did reach out, it didn’t turn out so well (this will be addressed more in the “half an apple” post to follow soon).

one of the paradoxes of depression is that when you are depressed (i.e. the past two weeks), you can't imagine EVER feeling better. and when you aren't depressed (i.e. today) you can't remember why you felt so incapacitated ...

it took some indignant outbursts from some associates to remind me that i am worth helping - and that i shouldn't compare myself to anyone else when seeking that help. i don't have to be dying to need some TLC. blessedly, and thanks to some medical and emotional intervention, i am now pulling out of the tailspin and am feeling very confident in my ability to not only handle being ALONE, but to excel at it.

bring it.

lots of thoughts ...

2009-07-20T15:49:00.003-06:00

... little ability to express them.

once i do, i plan to write about the following three topics:

1. being "worth it"
2. what other people think of me is none of my business
3. accepting half an apple

number 1 coming up later today or tomorrow ...

i have decided to close communication because...

2009-06-19T13:59:00.009-06:00

as many of you already know, i recently decided to brave the world of online dating. this is a HUGE step outside my comfort zone for many reasons, but primarily because most men's ability to be attracted to a woman is very connected to her looks. being overweight, i am not traditionally attractive (and, as i have said in the past, if someone is attracted to me BECAUSE i am overweight, well, that is just creepy in my book). i have learned a few things in this endeavour, and here is my assessment of the experiment thus far:

it is hard to meet people online too.

e-harmony has determined it would be appropriate to "match" me with 316 men so far. i have closed over half of those matches without communicating at all. this is usually because they put something in their profile about how much they want to have sex. it occurs to me that you should only mention sex before you meet someone if it is to say you are NOT interested in it. otherwise, i think it is fairly safe to assume everyone else wants to have sex, too. if his profile includes frequent references to camping (or a great interest in the outdoors), riding motorcycles or quads, and/or lists "keeping physically fit" as one of his best life skills, i close them too. not gonna happen.

so, out of those 316, i have communicated to the point of "open communication" with four. this means we have asked each other 3 closed ended questions, shared our must haves and can't stands, answered 3 open ended questions, and still decided to get to know each other through email type communications. and, to be honest, all 4 of them are not guys i am genuinely interested in - they are practice for the real thing. of that 4, i have only spoken to 1. and gone on 1 date. turns out he is a dope smoker. kind of a deal breaker for me ... guess who changed her "can't stands" to include "i can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs"?? silly me for thinking that was an obvious one! the other 3? after going through the hoops to get to communicate? nada. zip. zilch. nothing. GAH!

there is ONE, count 'em, ONE guy that i am actually interested in ... and i am in limbo waiting for him to answer my questions (not that THAT should surprise me!!)

but really, that is all background to my main point: if i have closed over half and have only communicated with 4, what happened to the other 150-ish matches? as you may have surmised, they closed me as a match without any contact. and hey, i am okay with that. if they aren't interested, why would i want to meet them anyway, right? it the WAY they close the match that annoys me. here are the possible choices:

1. I think our family backgrounds are too different.
2. I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
3. I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
4. I don't think our Must Haves and Can't Stands fit.
5. I think the physical distance between us is too great.
6. I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
7. I am pursuing another relationship.
8. I'm just not ready for the next step.
9. I am taking a break from dating.
10. I would rather not say.
11. This match never responded to my request to communicate.
12. I think the difference in age between us is too great.
13. I think the difference in our values is too great.
14. Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match.
15. Because there are no photos posted/I couldn't see any photos.
16. Because I was put on Hold.
17. Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
18. Other

now, really. unless you are in the communication process and learn something that leads you to close the match (like, say, illegal drug use), you should really be polite and go with my personal favourite #14 (cause really, the only thing you know about me is what is in the profile), or simple be kind and say #18. if it because you are pursuing other matches, then why didn't you turn off "matching"? then you won't get new matches sent to you; if you don't turn off matching, it means you are still hoping to find something better - and i wasn't it. ouch. that is the one i see most often. but the worst one? the hideous #3 - "i don't feel that the chemistry is there". COME ON! we have not communicated in any way shape or form. chemistry is based on all facets of a person. by saying you don't feel chemistry before you communicate with me, you might as well just go ahead and say "i don't like the way you look" - cause it would be more honest and less hurtful. i probably think that because, since it isn't an option, you would have to choose "other" and that is generic rejection. i can handle that.

*sigh* - what we learned in kindergarten IS true - boys are dumb ... on the other hand, i will admit there were a couple that i closed because their pictures made them look kind of "serial-killer-ish" - but at least i said it was because of "other". (grins) ...

seclusion ...

2009-06-18T15:04:00.008-06:00

I know that there's a reason why I need to be alone
You show me there's a silent place that I can call my own
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

You know I get so weary from the battles in this life
And there's many times it seems that you're the only hope in sight
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
There's nothing to win, and there's no need to fight

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land
But it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand
Is it mine, Oh! Lord is it mine?

When everything's dark and nothing seems right,
You don't have to win, and there's no need to fight

If only I could find a way
To feel your sweetness through the day
The love that shines around me could be mine

So give us an answer, won't you,
We know what we have to do,
There must be a thousand voices trying to get through

Supertramp – "Lord Is It Mine"

to my megalumpf ...

2009-05-25T11:01:00.006-06:00

dear meggie -

i am beyond words grateful that we have such a great friendship and relationship - in large part because i worried we might not. you see, by the time you born, i wasn't living with dad and your mom anymore. being a teenager sucks, right? well, a teenager, a 2 year old, and a pregnant lady can rarely occupy the same space without nuclear war repercussions! and since my mom didn't have her own place at that time, i ended up moving in with uncle bruce and auntie lyla. we didn't live in the same house until you were 7 years old - and then only for a couple of years.

but i am getting ahead of myself. i will never forget the day when dad, anne and i were in the kitchen and your mom came in and dad looked at her with a question in his eyes. i was starting to get the idea that something was up, when she said to me, "since you complained you didn't get to know about anne first, allow me to tell you before anyone else, that you and anne are going to have another sibling!" it was AMAZING! dad, your mom and i all hugged each other in the kitchen - laughing, crying, and jumping (at least on my part) with excitement! anne was puzzled by the commotion and we just looked at her and thought, "she has NO IDEA how much her world is going to change!"

you arrives on may 3, 1988 and dad made a special trip to my school to tell me about you (you see, this was in the dark ages, before cell phones). i was so thrilled to have another sister! the first one was pretty cool, and i had every expectation you would be as well. but what i didn't expect was how DIFFERENT you would be! not just your looks (which, let's face it, were absolutely adorable - oh, those cheeks!!!), but your personality, character, mannerisms - all of it - so unique and precious.

most of my early childhood memories of you involve babysitting of some sort. this may not be the story you most want told about you, but it was such a revelation to me that i have to share it. one night i was watching you and anne and you weren't feeling well. this was back when you each had those tall beds with play spaces underneath. i had made a blanket in home ec before anne was born, but she fell in love with the blankie that came with her crib set, so mine ended up being used by you - i loved that! this particular night, after you were asleep for about 2 hours, i heard you crying and when i went in you sat up, said, "i don't feel good" (or would have if you had made it through the whole sentence) and threw up. EVERYWHERE. from your bed four feet off the floor. i picked you up, ran to the bathroom and sat there holding you while you continued to be sick for about 5 minutes. then you went right back to sleep. out cold. i cleaned you up, changed your pj's, the sheets, tucked you back into bed, and quickly threw the blankie in the washer & dryer so it would be there when you woke up. then i went and threw up. (smiles) ...i KNEW i loved you before that, but after that night i could say with full honesty that i would do anything for you - and i still would.

your childhood exploits put anne and i to shame - absconding with grandma's lipstick, markers, chocolate, or any other substance you could cover your body in and make a mess out of. but your white-blond curls, lopsided grin, and big blue eyes got you out of any and all situation. no one ever looked cuter in footie pyjamas, grandma's white shoes, or nothing but a diaper!

being apart was hard - the first time i went away was just days after your 6th birthday party, and i missed you so much the whole 16 months i was gone! when i came back, i moved in with you for the first time and really got to know your personality, your strengths and see who you were! and i loved you even more.

your creative mind blew me away - from your alter-ego jake (loved the hat, tie, and mustache you wore to kindergarten for at least a week) to the elaborate scenes you and anne would act out in the living room, i loved your characterizations - and now i (almost literally) pee my pants when i get to hang out with "it's a tribute!" peter!

yer real smart-like, ya know? yup, you gots lots a smartness. because of this you were in the academic challenge class in elementary school and ended up spending 4 years at sir alexander mackenzie - the school you and i share! i loved visiting you there - having lunch with you in your a/c class and checking out your school work. my favourites were the mobile book report you made in the shape of a dog dish, and an interpretation you did of third eye blind's "jumper".

let's take a few minutes to talk about soccer. more specifically, your amazingness in this sport! i have never been able to watch you play without great cringing and an elevated heart rate. i don't know if this would be different if you were a forward or defense player, but the fact that you were in goal - and therefore the recipient of some seriously hard hits - was always a little painful to contemplate. how many concussions have you acquired? do you even REMEMBER!? while no one thing can define a person, i believe the way you excelled at this sport was a pretty accurate reflection of your personality - you are a determined, hard working, fearless, trash-talking dynamo of a player. and and you are that kind of a person too - with a healthy dose of compassion and respect for others thrown in. you have, by far, the best work ethic of us three sisters, and take after dad that way.

you were (and are) so quiet and self contained (read: nothing like me or anne!) that i worried we would never connect as much as anne and i had. all that changed at grandma kitty's funeral. when you and anne came down to the room i was using and we spent hours talking about everything, you finally opened up enough to let me know you WANTED to talk to me more - and we worked hard to catch up. i think your visits to LA and the great road trip of 2007 solidified that more than anything else. and, while it might have been nice to have that sooner, i love everything about how our relationship has evolved.

you are my megalumpf, my baby sister, and - most treasured of all - my wise friend. your listening ear and timely advice have helped me more than you will ever know. you are the family peace-keeper (sometimes to the detriment of your health), and we could never be a complete family without your ability to connect us all.

and you really did have the most squeeze-able cheeks EVER!!

all my love,
catharooni

tryin' to look purdy ...

2009-05-21T22:59:00.006-06:00

went to a couple of dances last weekend ... my roomie took some pics of me before i left and i haven't been thrilled with them. but, since my friend lisa is willing to make herself vulnerable, i suppose i should be brave and share these with you. now don't misunderstand me - i do not look nor feel ugly. but i still wish that when i put the time and energy into dressing up i was a little happier with the pictorial results. cause in real life i felt gorgeous!!!

anyway ... glad the roomie took 'em!

how to get on my blog (part 3) ...

2009-05-04T16:22:00.004-06:00

my friend laura rocks. the list proving this is extensive, but i will settle for five reasons:

1. even though i haven't been in LA for over a year and a half (gah!), she has made the effort to stay in touch.
2. she is smart enough to do (successful) graduate work at a cool school in so cal
3. she introduced me to the LA times festival of books
4. she married a canadian
5. she is zoey's mom!

and, as a bonus, she posted this cute pic of baby z (that is pronounced z-ee, NOT z-ed) in the gift i sent (another beauty from teachermom). without further ado - here is the adorable wee one!

high 5!

2009-05-01T15:31:00.005-06:00

i stole this from laura ... and i am only using obscure answers so you won't feel i am re-hashing stuff you already know ...

5 things i was doing 5 years ago:
1. loving living in so cal ...
2. working for watson wyatt worldwide ...
3. making new friends ...
4. enjoying $12 pedicures ...
5. missing my family and far-flung friends ...

5 things on my to-do list for this weekend:
1. attend "time out for women"
2. beat jodi at dutch blitz
3. have lunch with my mom
4. go to church
5. have dinner with a friend

5 things i would do with a million dollars (after becoming debt free):
1. buy a condo, car, and investments
2. make sure my immediate family has their needs met
3. share with friends who are in need
4. create a scholarship
5. live a life of leisure for 1 whole year without stress

5 places i have lived:
1. akinsdale - also known as "the hood" of st. albert, alberta, canada ...
2. grandin - also known as "ghetto" of st. albert, alberta, canada ...
3. 3450 South, 700 East - also known as the "the hood" of salt lake city ...
4. rutherford heights - also known as the "red deer" part of edmonton ...
5. for long periods of time, my imagination ...

5 jobs i've held (at least for a little while):
1. sandwich maker at "grandma lee's" - got fired when i tried to quit.
2. clerk at a pasta shop - got fired because i was overweight and didn't represent the image the ultra-health conscience owner wanted (jerk).
3. zions bank - got fired when i told my boss she was a liar. she was.
4. front desk at a fitness club - quit when my boss made it clear certain physical activities were required to keep the job (and no, i don't mean bench presses).
5. night front desk clerk at a hotel - quit after learning that the 3rd floor of the hotel was for the strippers to use (their moms and/or babysitters would stay there with the kids while the girls worked) ...

5 years from now i will:
1. be DEBT FREE - except for ...
2. own a condo (no yard!!!) - where? TBD ...
3. be healthier - in every way ...
4. have traveled to a place that isn't north america ...
5. have been in love at least once between now and then ...

please play along - i wanna know your 5's!

a little of this, a little of that ...

2009-04-30T14:11:00.008-06:00

it occurs to me that two weeks plus one day is a little too long of a gap in writing on this here blog thing-y. problem is, there isn't much news that is fit to print! life is going well, nothing earth-shattering-ly great has happened, neither has anything horrible enough to rant about taken place. this is quite a conundrum for a blogger like me - someone who wants to have a purpose for a post (it can be a LAME purpose, there just has to be one of some sort). therefore, i present to you a blog post about "having nothing in particular to write about" ... LAME!

* spent an amazing easter weekend in grande prairie alberta with the luckwell clan. played on the wii fit (i ROCK at balance games, and hate boxing with the fire of a thousand suns); learned how to play the card game dutch blitz (i will conquer you jodi, oh yes i will! i can hardly wait for the rematch); ate tonnes of yummy foods (did you know they have an ENTIRE CLOSET FULL OF TREATS!? - it was evil and divine); made 24 adorable cards; and, most importantly, laughed and laughed and laughed all weekend long!!

* have now spent 4 months in my new place with NO DRAMA!! no disagreements, no one being offended, nothing ugly at all ... what a joy to live with people who live and let live (what a joy to be becoming a person who can live and let others live!).

* as of april 30th i have read 26 books this year. this is a little lower than prior years, but january was an unusually slow month on the reading front. i really enjoyed the "odd thomas" series and am eager to read any additional ones dean koontz adds. i am also starting to work my way through his other books - and they are as scary as i was warned! i have really enjoyed the newest offerings from some favourite authors - robert b. parker, janet evanovich, lisa lutz, and j.d. robb. "the count of monte cristo" is still on the shelf and i WILL read it this year!!

other than that, all i can say is that i am keeping busy professionally and personally, and doing a fair amount of deep thinking ... no matter how many times i think i am PLANNING something, i always look back and realize things just sort of happened - but i still believe there is value in starting with a plan! i am currently plan-less and am determining which path to start down next - there are as many choices as there are degrees in the circles i travel in my head while contemplating such things.

until later ...

picture this, number six ...

2009-04-15T13:32:00.007-06:00

i love getting tagged (i know, i am a freak). but this one is hard - it was to open my pictures folder and choose the 6th one. but my file of pics at home only had 5 pics. so i decided to go with my album at work ... but all of those pics are ones i used on my blog, so they are all on here already. i am a LAME excuse for a photographer. i am too busy enjoying moments to stop and commemorate them. occasionally i regret this, but mostly i love the freedom of not having to remember to bring a camera, or make people smile and smile and smile and smile while the camera warms up, the delay is over and the flash blinds them. i also like not spending 4 days going through all the pics after the event to cull out the dumb ones. besides, i have enough camera happy friends that i don't have to do the work!!

then i remembered i DO have a camera! it is also goes by the name of "cell phone" ... in a bizarre twist of fate, this allows me to make good on a promise from loooong ago and show you all the evidence of my heathenism - my tattoo!

i have wanted a tattoo since i was 16 ... but i never could think of something that i would want on me FOR-EV-ER. good thing i didn't get one then. i would still have a turtle and i wouldn't be happy with it. later on, it became daisies. i have also outgrown this. then, when i knew i was going to go for it, i decided on having a BOOK tattooed on me. everyone thought this was lame (even the people who like the idea of tattoos). i know i wouldn't have regretted it, but before i could decide to forget everyone else's opinion, i realized what it really needed to be: a mouse.

when my dad and step-monster first got together, they would go on trips and when they did, i was left with a brass mouse for each of them, and they took a cute one with them that represented me. when my sisters were born a little mouse was added for each of them. and when my aunt (who collects pigs) decided i HAD to collect SOMETHING, i chose mice. since then, i have accumulated a lovely little menagerie. but first and foremost, mice (for me) are a symbol of family.

when meg, furbit and i did our trek from LA to edmonton, we spent a few days in vegas. meg and decided to "go for it" - but all the shops on the strip were closed by the time we made up our minds (okay. by the time i made up my mind. she was all for it all along.) eventually we found an off-the-strip, stereotypical, dive of a tattoo parlor and cautiously made our way up the steps of "naked city tattoo" (yes, i was sober).

the guy we met who did our tattoos was AWESOME! and, according to meg, i was awesome too. apparently, as the wussy sister, i was supposed to cry at least a little. ha! i giggled more than anything. i designed it myself, with some artistic improvement coming from the professional, and i made sure it was somewhere that would be covered by any shoes or sandals i wore. and now, without further ado, i give you:

number six, the mousey tattoo!!

to my anniebear ...

2009-04-02T16:26:00.010-06:00

i just finished reading 58 monthly newsletters from a mother to her daughter at dooce (a website i enjoy immensely). it made me wish i had a legacy like that, and that i had done a better job of recording all the amazing things my sisters did as they grew up. this is my small attempt to rectify that oversight ...
___________________________________

dearest anniebear,

you are such an amazing person! and you have been ever since the day you arrived here - february 19, 1986. actually, if i am honest, you were so very special to us long before that day. as you know, your mom had a stillbirth before you came along, and that made us a little scared to be too excited, but unable to stop ourselves from being giddy with joy when we knew you were on your way! i have told you the story of the day you arrived before (as i remember it), but i want it recorded for posterity (or for when i lose my mind completely). i also want to share some of my favourite memories of you throughout the years. this may take awhile, so grab a pop (no, you can not have a beer, you are still 4 years old to me) and settle back for some reminiscing.

i was 13 years old and in the middle of 10-months-of-hell-on-earth-torture (also known as grade 8), and still in my routine of one week with my mom, one week with your mom (known to me as marta, or mart-the-tart - long before i knew what the phrase meant. but that is a story for another day) & our dad. you decided to show up while i was staying with dad & mart and i had to wake up and get dropped at my mom's when your folks headed to the hospital to pick you up (you knew you were adopted, right?). but seriously ... i couldn't get back to sleep that night so i ended up staying home from school, and that is how i came to answer the phone about 8am in the morning and had dad tell me you were here!!

your name. anne howard wenschlag. sorry about that. i mean, anne is pretty good and you are named after your maternal aunt - which i think this is pretty cool (having been named after family members myself). but hey, it isn't my fault you chose to have a mother that believes in giving children maiden names as middle names (and really, as rough as it was to grow up a tomboy with the middle name "howard" i think your mom (mundle) and aunt anne (bacon) had it MUCH worse)! and wenschlag? well, you get sympathy from this corner, but at least we are unique - and if you find a wenschlag, you KNOW they are a relative!

i visited you in the hospital the day you were born and was at the house the day you came home. it was beyond words exciting to meet you. your eyes were huge and it was obvious you were one smart cookie! i loved the little "stork bite" on your forehead and thought you smelled so yummy - baby powder and innocence. one of my earliest memories of you was rocking you in the chair in your room, and telling you how much i loved you and how i had waited so long for you show up. the other thing i remember clearly was how you liked to sleep on your side, with a rolled up blanket behind you and your arm over your head like you were cheering at a rock concert or sporting event - one of your cutest early pictures, to be sure.

you were our anniebear, pooh-la-roo, and (most entertainingly) "annie airlines"! you LOVED when someone would lay on their back and hold you above them by your tummy and make you fly around - or maybe you just liked watching us make stupid faces and "vvvrrroooommm" noises. whatever it was, it was adorable and i fell in love with you a little more every time you giggled. and i wasn't the only one - everyone adored you! dad & your mom were still very much in love at that time, and watching them with you was breathtaking! i am amazed i wasn't jealous, but i loved you so much there wasn't room for anything like that (until years later when you got sleep all day as a teenager, got away with not cleaning the bathroom, and had 4 bazillion dollars spent on your hockey and whatnot. yup, still a little immaturely bitter about that one, but i and my therapist are working on it).

you were pretty typical as a kid - making great faces the first time you tried a dill pickle, getting beets ALL over your face and loving every bite, posing for pictures with your curly blonde hair, loving story books and playing with an enthusiasm that still boggles my mind. here are some of my most long-cherished memories ...

when you were in the i-can-stand-up-and-move-around-as-long-as-the-footstool-supports-me stage, you had a set of plastic toys and one of them was a yellow cone shaped horn. the idea was you put your mouth on the small end, blow and it makes a kazoo-type sound. you were a little young to grasp this concept, but certainly mature enough to know that EVERYTHING belonged in your mouth. one day, the horn was sitting on the aforementioned footstool and once you had pulled yourself up and stuck the horn in your mouth, you must have been out of breath - cause you took a deep breath and MADE A SOUND! it was a little odd (seeing as how the air was traveling in the opposite direction), but you didn't care ... you started sucking air through that thing like it was a chocolate milkshake and making this noise that i could never represent with letters. you kept doing this over and over, until you were a little lightheaded and dropped on yer butt. after sitting there, staring at the cone for a few seconds, you stuck it back in your mouth started sucking again! i really don't think you ever learned to blow into it, but it was far more entertaining to watch your cheeks suck in and your eyes bug out as you drew in all the air in you could.

as you may recall, there was a print shop in our basement. i wonder how old you were before you realized this was not the way most of your friends lived? in any case, this mecca of stationery led to many hours of colouring and creating for you. i loved the little light that dad put under the shelf for you - and the stool he made out of a stack of paper. you would sit there and "work" with dad for hours on end. one day, you and i were playing at the light table, and you were drawing up your "patient" charts (yes, for a few moments we all dreamed you would be the doctor you played at being. of course, the fact that you couldn't watch 2 minutes of the 6 o'clock news - or anything else too "real life-y" - without succumbing to hideous nightmares squashed that dream quickly!) you were showing me the symbols for different illnesses - the chickenpox (zigzag lines), the measles (loop-de-loops), and the AIDS (circles) ... i was floored. i actually started crying as i realized that, at age 4, AIDS was just another disease to you. it was the first time i realized why parents want to lock their kids up and keep them safe forever. i admit, i still have occasional desires to do so.

this early spate of creativity translated into the building of a multitude of "things" - dioramas, scale models of EVERYTHING, and artwork as detailed as it was inspired ... not to mention scraps of paper and cardboard everywhere - and GLUE! big gobs of hard glue all over the basement carpet. you really needed a laboratory for your mad scientist efforts. you also went to victoria school for the performing and visual arts for grades 7-12. yes, you are my favourite sister for attending my alma mater (don't tell me meg), even if you were in the visual arts realm while i had terrorized the theatre department many, many, many years before. it is still a treasured connection between us.

how about a word about words? much to my chagrin, i can't remember between you and meg who used which, but one of you called me "cassy" and the other "caffy" - because that "th" is just a little too much for developing soft palates! but the two best words? ke-pitch (catsup) and micka-don-oes (mcdonalds). i still use them. *sigh* so cute! nothing was more fun that driving down st. albert trail with you attentively watching out the window and hearing your gasp when you saw those precious golden arches - "micka-don-oes, micka-don-oes!!"

under the category: making your sister feel awesome. in grade two everyone got to be a "star for the week." your teacher would put up a big sheet of paper with all your important stats and your sheet included the information that you had a mom, a dad, a little sister who was 4, a dog named mac and a big sister who lived in vancouver who was 22. i seem to recall many of your classmates thinking you were making me up, until i came to visit. i am so grateful i was real to you, even when far away.

i moved to the US when you were 14. i missed you more than i can express, and i treasured every visit home. i wish i could have been there for more regular memories, but i can promise you i am a better person, and sister, for having made the decisions i did - and you were loved and cherished every day. we have so many similar qualities - both the good and the flawed - and it makes our relationship intense (translation: we know how to fight) and amazing! some of our best memories are slices of time taken from "real life" (i.e. your visits to LA (U2, anyone?) or grandma kitty's funeral) but others happen naturally during daily interactions (texts that make my day, sleepovers, you making fun of my driving - ah, the list of fun never ends)!

the bottom line is, and anyone who knows me will testify this is true, you and your sister are the most important people in my life. i love you more than i ever imagined it was possible to love someone; and i will continue to love you that way forever. thank you for being my sister, my friend.

all my love,
catharooni

seventh top ten - favourite bags ...

2009-03-16T16:56:00.027-06:00

i am a bag lady. i could say it is because i need a lot of them to carry all my baggage, but that is corny, overused, and not as true as it once was. but i still love bags. and i have A LOT of them. i don't have any clothes in my two drawer dresser, but there is an entire drawer full of bags. and a bunch hanging on the back of my bedroom door ... yup. i love 'em all! but here are my top ten (well, 9 brands and 11 bags, but who's counting?) favourites - in alphabetical order:

coach leather hobo - on the wish list
dooney & bourke small double handle tote - on the wish list
harvey's seatbelt bag - very high on the wish list
kalani cropper (hand, shoulder & tote) - i have one of each, this is a pic of the tote - a friend in LA makes them and i was able to pick the materials!!
kate spade (travis, claire, & sam) - i have a travis in black corduroy and a claire in black nylon - the sam remains on the wish list ...
louis vuitton trouville - i have a "version" of this a coworker brought back from china ... (shhh!) ... and it isn't really on my wish list anymore because even i have limits on what a purse should cost and $1200 is definitely over that limit!! but i do love the structure of the bag - very convenient!
lululemon shopping bag - yes, i wanna be trendy. i have a large one and a small one. i purchased two water bottles in order to get them since apparently lulu doesn't believe plus size people do yoga.
MEC travel all shoulder bag - LOVE THIS BAG!! it has been the best bag for travel and at $15 (same as it was when i bought over 10 years ago) it is a screaming steal of a deal!!
tod's helmet zip bauletto media - ha ha! again, i would never pay the tod's price tag, but isn't that leather and colour to die for??

do you have a favourite bag?? please share - or better yet, just send me one so i can love it too!

there you have it ... 7 days of top tens to keep you entertained!

sixth top ten - things i want to do before i die ...

2009-03-15T23:49:00.010-06:00

i read an article about people who leave instructions for next of kin so that their cyber friends can be notified in case they die ... weird, but so relevant! as most obscure things are wont to do, it started a train of thought that arrived at the "what do i want to do with my life before i die" station. here are ten things i came up with ...

10. never learn to drive a standard car ...
9. climb a mountain - mt timpanogas in utah is at the top of my list
8. go on a cruise. alaska, mexico, caribbean - wherever!!
7. act on broadway - in a NON-musical ...
6. own my own home
5. forgive my step-mother for not loving me; forgive myself for needing her to
4. write a book
3. change someone's life for the better forever
2. love someone with all my heart and be loved that way in return
1. be what i might have been

what is on your list??

fifth top ten - things that make me happy ...

2009-03-14T22:58:00.009-06:00

to balance out the "annoying" post, here are some things that bring a smile to my heart ...

10. daydreaming about what might have been, and what might yet be.
9. making people laugh.
8. having someone's full attention.
7. fleece sheets on a comfy bed.
6. smiles. directed at me or someone else - whenever i see someone give another person the gift of a smile it brings one to my face.
5. held doors/elevators (again, for me or someone else)- watching a person put another ahead of self (literally) is a beautiful thing to see.
4. hugs. i don't initiate contact very easily or often, but i am so grateful when other people do!
3. receiving a book instead of flowers. flowers die and i have to dispose of them ... words and ideas last forever! i especially love it when people write a brief message inside.
2. reading an email or text msg, or listening to a voicemail that tells me i have been thought of - the briefest of contact often touches the most deeply.
1. watching a child watch the world. seeing the wonder, the inquisitiveness, even the frustration are a revelation and a replenishing of faith.

what makes you happy??

fourth top ten - songs i can't listen to enough ...

2009-03-13T11:15:00.022-06:00

i am not the music aficionado that many people are, but there are some key songs that got me through difficult times and that just make me feel ways that can not be put into words ... so i won't try. i couldn't find two of them, but give the others a listen if you have some free time!

10. never gonna feel like that again (kenny chesney)
9. red ragtop (tim mcgraw)
8. the stranger (billy joel)
7. insensitive (jann arden)
6. on and on and on (abba)
5. beyond the blue (beth nielsen chapman)
4. he thinks he'll keep her (mary chapin carpenter)
3. all the things i wasn't (grapes of wrath)
2. i do (edie brickell and the new bohemians)
1. lord, is it mine (supertramp)

what song is in your heart forever?

third top ten - ways to annoy me ...

2009-03-12T13:20:00.004-06:00

pretty simple really ... i am easy to annoy ...

10. whatever you do, don't let me into the flow of traffic when i have my signal light on!!

9. lie about why you can't / won't / didn't do something. cause i REALLY want to hear a convoluted lie more than i want to hear, "i just didn't feel like it" or any other lame (but valid) reason. (exception: see #3)

8. leave a few seconds on the microwave and don't clear it - that way you can remember to set the timer for that many seconds less next time! (sheesh)

7. park in such way that two spaces magically become one!! this is especially appreciated when parking is limited and/or it is -30 ...

6. leave your dishes in the sink - because i want to do nothing more than i want to move your greasy, dirty, nasty stuff before cleaning my own.

5. go into customer service when you really have no desire to help people. on the flip side, be rude to customer service people so a once enthusiast people-person no longer has any desire to help people.

4. tip 10% or less. seriously, is that extra few dollars going to mean that much to you?? you don't have to cook or clean or anything! if the service was crappy, you should complain and not tip anything. if it wasn't don't insult the server with a lame tip!

3. forget me. i have a long standing feeling of dispensibility in my life. i would rather hear a lie than learn that i didn't cross your mind at all.

2. anything quirky my mom does. anyone but her can do it and i have no reaction (other than thinking you are dorky, which i kinda like), but if my poor, long-suffering, intelligent, funny-as-heck mom does certain things, it gets to me. probably because i do the same things. poor mom. i am working on removing this from the list - i really am!!!

1. make a repetitive beeping noise (alarm clocks, trucks backing up, cell phones telling you ONE MORE TIME that you have a message). if you put a sound like this in your advertising, i will not purchase your product. if you are my friend and see my head explode, it is probably because there is beeping happening somewhere near us.

your turn - share a "pet peeve" ... you know you want to!!

second top ten - best/worst birthdays ...

2009-03-11T13:49:00.014-06:00

this one is easy ... we will split them in half - so really, two top fives, i guess!!

WORST B-DAYS:
1981 - my dog bit my dad at my party ... shag was my first family pet (the pic is of benji, but shag looked just like this ... with a little extra hair). truth be told, he came along before i did and was not thrilled to have to share mom and dad's attention with me. when mom and dad split up, shag stayed with my dad, but still went crazy when my mom came over. for my ninth birthday party - held at my dad's place - my mom baked the cake and brought it over. the dog went NUTS, dad tried to hold him back and got bit for his troubles. i started crying, dad was yelling, everyone was freaking out. in the end, wounds were bound, tears were dried, cake was eaten, presents were opened, and shag was allowed to live. he was even allowed to live the next year after biting me! sure do miss that soccer playing mutt.

1997 - not getting a single call from a family member ... the official excuse was, "it was sunday! i thought you would be with your friends or at church." uh yah. like answering machines couldn't record your felicitations?? they still often forget, but since then at least one person has remembered to contact me on the actual day. this is a hard one for me, since i am practically fanatical about remembering other people's b-days - hey, it is a good reason to send a card!

1998 - turning 26 two days after breaking my left ankle ... 'nough said.

1999 - the surprise party that never happened - this was MUCH worse for carrie, who tried to plan the party. it was at deirdre's house (a mutual friend of carrie's and mine) and no one showed up. NOT. ONE. PERSON. yup. i am a loser with no friends. i was just thrilled that carrie was in town for my birthday and it wasn't until i noticed how many bags of chips and other treats were out that i realized more people were supposed to be there, too. the people who were invited didn't even call to say happy b-day. again, the excuse i heard the most was, "i thought there would be so many people there you wouldn't notice i wasn't there." uh yah. cue the crickets of the barren wasteland of emptiness.

2008 - turning 36 one day after breaking my right leg ... do we see a pattern here

BEST B-DAYS:
1978 - the hollie hobbie sleep over extravaganza!! i love hollie hobbie. love her. and that year, i received a sleeping bag and all sorts of awesome HH merchandise! plus 6 friends slept over ... i seem to recall my room being re-done and since it was empty it was a good time to throw six 6 year olds in there for a few hours. details are fuzzy, just like the sleeping bag ...

???? - the one with the panda cake ... i can't remember what age it was for, but my mom - who ALWAYS provided amazing cakes for my bdays - had this adorable panda cake made! it was a 3D, sitting up panda and i had never seen anything so cute in my life. i was pretty spoiled in the presents department throughout my childhood and received pretty much anything i asked for, so surprises like this were the best gifts!

1988 - sweet sixteen ... it wasn't a real surprise that my awesome friends put on a party for me - but it was great to see so many people there, and to eat the step-monster's ice cream pie!! that was a surprise that was sneaked to the party without my knowledge - those pies rocked!

1995 - anne's 9th b-day ... okay, it isn't MY birthday, but it has to rank up there with the best b-days ever! i was living in vancouver, b.c. and i get a call from my dad on sunday, february 11th. "wanna go to disneyland next weekend?" he asks. turns out there was a great deal for my family to travel to LA and back, plus five days at disneyland. i managed to get two days off work at the bank (during RRSP season, no less!) and spent the next sat-tues with the fam at the happiest place on earth!! on anne's actual b-day (the 19th), dad and marta went on a beach hopping trip up the coast while anne, meg and i played all day at the magic kingdom! it was unbelievably hot that day, but we ate lots of mickey mouse shaped fruit and ice bars and had a blast.

2002 - 30 rocks!!! ... poor carrie was on her mission when this one went down, but deb and tonia came from alberta to help me celebrate in style (they turned 30 the same year). a surprise party at meliss' parent's cabin had a great turn out (and the BIGGEST chocolate cake i have ever seen), followed by 4 days in vegas with deb & tonia eating chocolate, dancing, and just walking the strip made it the best of birthdays. later that summer, i collected on the last of my b-day present from meliss - a trip to the cedar city shakespeare festival and a production of "man of la mancha" ... it was so beautiful and touching that i cried for at least an hour after it was over. and then again the next day when the toilet in the condo we were staying at broke.

great memories can be made anytime, anywhere, but birthday's sure do lend themselves to vivid recollection. and now i am counting the days to my birthday in 2012 - i just know 40 will be fabulous!

first top ten - reasons i love of winter ...

2009-03-10T14:00:00.008-06:00

top ten lists* ... they are EVERYWHERE! so, why not here on my blog? for the next week (yes, seven full days of fun) i am going to post a top ten list.

everyone who lives in alberta and is on facebook has posted something in the past two days about the weather. from "mother nature didn't get the message it is spring" to "why doesn't god turn up the thermostat?" we are collectively expressing our displeasure with the groundhog's decision ... we are sick and tired of the winter weather - no one more so than me! i spent 4 years not wearing socks, boots, winter coats or long underwear for crying out loud! and i confess, i added a car to the complainin' train. but no more! here i am to share the top ten reasons i love winter ...

10. fireplaces, hot chocolate, fuzzy slippers & a good book
9. white christmases
8. anticipating spring
7. watching the teeny weeny ones skate on the local rinks
6. using the garage in the manner for which it was created - and not as junk storage
5. for the benefit of my american friends, converting from celcius to farenheit - while simultaneously explaining that the windchill DOES matter ... (fyi -40 is the same on both thermometers. oh, and -30 (today's temp) is just plain old freaking cold no matter what you label it!!!)
4. seeing a huge pile of snow on the car, dreading the ice you will have to scrape off the windows and then discovering that the snow prevented ice from forming on the windows so all you have to do is swipe off the snow!!!
3. the exact moment you realize the car has warmed up to the point where you can stop repeating the phrase, "for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE warm up!!!" - and then take off your mitts
2. stopping for a slurpee in -30 weather at least once a winter in order to maintain your right to be called a canadian
1. hoarfrost - stunning!!

*stolen from kris' plastic obessession ...

have you found a reason to love winter??

and i don't even LIKE sports ...

2009-03-03T13:28:00.001-07:00

don't ask why, because i don't have a reason, but this just really hit me hard and i needed to share it with you. apologies for the length of the article, but i hope you have time to give it a read ...

http://highschool.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=914609

me & barbra walters ...

2009-02-27T10:32:00.007-07:00

a fellow blogger, greedygrace (gg), offered to interview people who read her blog - 5 questions just for me! here they are with my answers. i am also offering the same to anyone who asks for them in the comments and/or sends me an email. and, as "gg" promised - i will play nice ... nothing TOO personal!

1. when did you start blogging? what caused you to start?
being the verbally verbose gal that i am, a blog seemed a no brainer. i wrote my first post in 2006 followed by two more – for a total of 3 my first year. in 2007 i doubled that to 6 posts. i finally caught the hang of it in 2008 and am pretty regular about it now. i think i started so i could vent, but i never really did. i mean, once you put it out there, it OUT THERE, you can never take it back. i started a second blog dedicated to weight/food issues after realizing that i wanted to talk about this more than anyone wanted to hear about – the blog lets me go on and on and on as much as i want!

2. we met on a mutual friend’s weight loss website. what’s your secret to weight loss?
the first thought that comes to mind is, “if i had a secret, i wouldn’t need a weight loss site!” … but seriously … anytime a person is successful at losing weight i believe it is a combination of three things: physical activity, proper eating habits, and dealing with the issues that prevent you from doing the first two!! i know a lot of about activity and nutrition, but getting myself to do those things?? might as well try and make the leaning tower of pisa improve its posture – it would be an easier endeavour, i suspect! i am working harder on the last factor right now, and have high hopes for a successful outcome. having said all that, here are my top three weight loss “tools” …

*drink water. i try my hardest to get 6 cups in a day. i know there is water in other things, but if i aim for 6 just water glasses a day, i feel satiated AND i feel proactive – which is always a good thing!
*eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day. even though a lot of things count as a serving, i only count straight veggie/fruit. they also fill me up and there just isn’t as much room for junk when I do this.
*journal, journal, journal … when you truly keep track of everything you eat, you can see WHY the scale went up and it makes it easier to curb free-falls quickly. for example, if i had written down the kit kat i ate at 9:30 am, i might have been less inclined to have a second one at 9:50 (smiles) … it is a pain at times, but crucial to success and learning about WHY i have food issues.

3. think back (maybe WAY back) to when you had a free saturday with no plans. how did you spend the day?
i am what i refer to as a “selfish-single” so i actually have a lot of free saturdays … but I do have a tendency to put some sort of scheduled activity on each day if something doesn’t come up on its own. if i have an entire day with no obligations or commitments, and i am not sick, i promise it is spent reading a book. probably a whole book. (smiles)

4. what do you worry about most these days?
money. it is sad but true. perhaps it is “getting older” and knowing retirement needs to happen SOMETIME, or the by-product of getting healthier and not using consumer therapy as a treatment of all that ails me, but i am very concerned with living within a budget and paying off debt. allow me to be clear. i don’t worry about not having enough money, or even about not being able to get things i want/need, i worry about my ability to be as responsible about it as i would like to be.

5. surprise! i’m actually a genie. what are your three wishes?
let’s break this one down …

altruistically, i want: 1) an end to world hunger, 2) an end to all forms of abuse, and 3) to buy the world a coke (smiles) ...

selfishly, i want: 1) to never need to buy clothing from a plus size store ever again, 2) to marry my boyfriend at his house in lake como, and 3) to be able to eat all the chocolate i want without ANY negative repercussions!!

truly, i want: 1) peace of mind, 2) health of every kind, and 3) to help other people have 1 and 2

your turn! post a comment and include the phrase "interview me" and i will send you your questions ...

the roomie review ...

2009-02-23T12:41:00.008-07:00

dang. did it again. good old "foot in mouth" disease met semantics ...

in my last post, i referred to my current living situation as containing the "most amazing people i have ever lived with." allow me to clarify this statement. they are amazing! i am amazed that two young, married people with a beautiful home would invite strangers to share it with them! it is even more amazing that it is working! but i don't really know them well enough to claim them as my favourite roomies. i have had 41, yes, FORTY ONE room mates throughout my life (not including family). that is a lot of people, and i must be honest - m&c, no matter how amazing they are, are not the BEST roomies i have ever had. to get a label like that you have to be an awesome friend as well as roomie and that isn't the case thus far.

here, then, is a chronological breakdown of my favourite roomies:

1992-1993 (eight months): tonia ... not only was tonia a great person to live with, she also spent hours in the ICU waiting room with me when we thought my mom was going to die; she shared the earphones to my walkman and we listened to the garth brooks "in pieces" cassette over and over and over again. she also spent all night with me after i had surgery and wasn't allowed to be left alone. we have been through personal ups and downs, and had our share of "communicational learning opportunities", but they have all been seen through together and she is the dearest of friends. also, she visited me in SLC, LA and came to vegas for my 30th b-day - how can i not love her?!?

1994-1995 (16 months): teesh ... i learned more about being a grown up from living with teesh than any other person i have lived with - she was classy and mature from birth, i suspect. she also taught me how to make the best oatmeal chocolate chip cookies ever. she too visited me in SLC and LA - AND she brought me home made nanaimo bars when she visited me in LA! one of the best birthday presents i have ever received was a beyond fun scavenger hunt that started with balloons, contained a lot of clues and ended in ice cream and ... umm, well, i remember the ice cream really well!

2001-2003 (a little over 2years): sarah ... i made some of my biggest mistakes as a roomie living with sarah, but she was gracious enough to forgive me and give me a second (and third, and fourth ...) chance! i learned more about communication with sarah than with any other roomie. i also learned that two girls driving in a truck are not allowed to touch or people might think you are lesbians (not that there's anything wrong with that). despite an aversion to big cities in general and LA in particular, sarah came to LA to see me TWICE and is my designated travel partner for the dream trip to nashville. i still miss our friday night dates to walmart ...

2003-2006 (3 years): miriam ... i suspect you can already tell that i adore miriam as she is mentioned at various times in this blog. from moh, i learned about being laid back, not worrying, and just being comfortable in the company of another person. oh, and that you aren't allowed to sit naked on the furniture when your roomies are out of town. and she made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh - how can you not love someone who does that for you?? lastly, moh has a gift for listening to all the stuff going on in your head and then distilling it down to what is really important. and did i mention how much she makes me laugh??

2004-2005 (1 year): kim ... not only did kim cook me divine meals for an entire month (if only my pocketbook could have afforded her as my personal chef forever ... sigh), but she taught me a lot about how to live a balanced life. and she was the only roomie i ever had who was more of a clean freak than me. when i needed a place for my sister and i to crash for over a week, she provided it. when i needed a place to have mail sent, she provided it. when i needed someone to sift through all that mail when i didn't return to LA as expected, she put on her postal worker hat and did it! that is just the kind of kind person she is! also, watching her as she has started her little family has been inspiring, enchanting and entertaining!!

each of these ladies are on this list not just because of how fabulous it was to live with them, but how AMAZING it is to live my life with them in it.

(p.s. kim - i know you were joking about being chopped liver, but it really made think a tribute to the good roomies was overdue!)

various updates ...

2009-02-21T12:32:00.012-07:00

i am ending my little drought of posts with a few updates ...

1. the move ... while i have alluded to the fact that i moved at the beginning of january, i haven't shared the fun details yet! i have changed names to protect the privacy of my new "roomies" ... i put a posting looking for a place on kijiji - a site similar to craigslist - and had the coolest couple ever contact me. after meeting with them, i decided to take the plunge and move in. i know, i know, you are wondering how i could be so foolish/brave/insane as to try living with total strangers found on the internet after my last deeply unsuccessful attempt, but the truth is, that's how i roll ... a little crazily!

they have turned out to be the most amazing people i have ever lived with. they are a young, professional couple who are quiet, funny, smart, and so easy to live with it is scary! recently married, but together for over a decade, they are adorable to boot! i shall call them mellow & chill (or m&c for short).

there is another boarder here and she is not mellow or chill, but she is a blast! we share a bathroom and have enjoyed some good visits and laughs over the last 6 weeks. she has taught me a lot about online socializing and i shall call her the "dating diva" (or deedee for short).

the house is beautiful and so new it is not even on the map yet - seriously! we all share the main floor and upstairs and i have yet to encounter any tension. it may be m&c's honeymoon period as newlyweds, but i am enjoying one of my own for as long as it lasts (or until i get my stuff out of storage in LA)!!

2. babies, babies, babies ... two dear friends added new wee ones to their families this past couple of weeks. one came a little early and i am happy all went well, as mom was having some medical woes along the line. i have known this friend for years, but hadn't seen her in a long time and am only up on the goings on in her life thanks to facebook and blogs. but i did get to see her and her sweet husband last month for a brief visit, which i enjoyed thoroughly and i couldn't be happier to know of baby-boy's safe arrival!! congrats to you, my friend!!

another friend got her delivery from the stork via a very brave birth mother who chose to place her baby with my friend, her amazing husband and their 3 other children. what an unselfish thing for the birth mother to do for my friend and, especially, the baby. i have yet to meet this new friend in person, but she has been inspiring and impressing me online for months now. i am so grateful to her and am thankful that her precious baby girl has come to their home!!

3. books and reading ... or more accurately, NOT reading! somehow, i have managed to become so swamped with other things, that i have only read 6 books this year so far. that is half my usual output and i am feeling a little word-deprived! but there are some good books on the shelf waiting to be devoured and i am planning a good long nose-in-book session when i finish this post!

reviews/recommendations from the past half dozen reads: enjoyed short story collection, "suite 606", j.d.robb's recent "salvation in death" and stephen king's "duma key". didn't enjoy the ending of a book that started out soooo strong - david wrobelwski's "the story of edgar sawtelle". and i loved kate atkinson's "one good turn" (am reading the next in the series today!) and dean koontz's "odd thomas" (have all the others in this series on the bookshelf for quick consumption soon!).

guess that will hold you all for a few days ... perhaps something really unique will happen and i will impress you with a good story soon. until then, remember i am blogging lots on the other site about the weight wise program i started recently ...

anonymous ...

2009-02-05T08:48:00.004-07:00

having learned that some people don't like to set up an account in order to comment, i have enabled "anonymous" as an option for posting comments. however, in order to avoid comment spam, you do now need to enter a verification word. it would be great if you would put your name (or someone else's for that matter!) in when you comment anonymously, but hey, as long as you comment, i will be happy!

we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog nonsense ...

never again ...

2009-02-04T16:38:00.009-07:00

allow me to preface this post with the following 5 pieces of information:

1. I'M not a morning person
2. i'm NOT a morning person
3. i'm not A morning person
4. i'm not a MORNING person
5. i'm not a morning PERSON

lessons learned from my most recent work travel:

1. when checking your alarm FIVE TIMES to make sure you wake up on time, it is also wise to make sure the buzzer (not the radio) is turned on. failure to do so may have you waking up at 4:45 am, which just happens to be the time you need to leave the house to catch your 5:50 am flight.

2. when using valet parking at the airport, wear something that makes you look rich. rich looking people are treated nicer than non-rich looking people. even if said rich-looking person is driving a nissan sentra.

3. when going through security, and having to remove your laptop from the computer bag, it is recommended you remember to put it back in your bag after it has been scanned and confirmed to not contain an incendiary device.

3a. if you fail to remember to put your computer back in that bag and realize it just as the final boarding call is given, it is beneficial for you to have put your name on the laptop - rather than leaving the business card of the person who last had your job on it. this will help the security people to release the dang computer to you FASTER.

4. when flying the extremely short distance between edmonton and calgary, book yourself on a flight that is only making a pit stop in calgary before making a loooooong non-stop flight somewhere else. this will help ensure you are on a plane that is larger than a bread box. moreover, it will help you avoid the 732 mile walk to the tarmac and the need to climb up the stairs to get into the plane. mostly, it will prevent you from being able to see the pilot drinking something while in the cockpit as you walk past him and then wondering if, every time you hit "turbulence," there was vodka in that glass.

5. even if you have used the same teleconference number for 8 months, verify that it still works before trying to set up the call during the meeting. i think this one speaks for itself, even if the speakerphone didn't work for what felt like a very loooooooong time.

once i had been tutored in the above lessons, the day went a lot more smoothly, and i was able to truly enjoy the day - especially the part where i met two dear friends for dinner before flying back, thanks ladies!!

when all is said and done, the main thing i learned was this: travel down the night before, sleep in a cushy hotel and get a REAL night's sleep - everything else is doable after that ...

crystals that cured my boycott ...

2009-01-30T15:56:00.010-07:00

some of you may have heard about my recent boycott of the walmart right by my place of work. it was all a matter of customer NON-service and my emotional breakdown in aisle 12.

i was having a stressful week and making silly mistakes, and rushing through the checkout self-serve lane and forgot to take the $40 cash back i requested. needless to say, the money was gone by the time i returned to the scene of my doofus error.

now, let's say, for the sake of argument, i was the walmart customer service rep and another person came up to me with this problem - what would i have done? first and foremost, i would have COMMISERATED with the poor person (even if, under my breath, i was thinking she was an idiot). i would NOT have told her there was nothing i could do and she would have to call the police to look at the security tapes. because if i HAD done that, she would have gone and called the police, who (while doing an admirable job of commiserating) would tell her that they simply can't afford the man power or cost of investigating a $40 loss that was her own fault.

when that same person then came back to return the items she had bought - so she could have cash for the evening out she had long been looking forward to with the girls, i certainly would NOT have asked her the REASON for the return or anything else, for that matter. i would have returned the items and told her i was sorry for her misfortune.

unfortunately, it was not me being the customer service person. rather, i was the person (under my breath idiot) who left her $40 for some unscrupulous person to abscond with. i was aghast at the rudeness of the staff - and the complete disregard for my situation. i swore never to set foot in that walmart again. there was only one small problem with that declaration ... well, two ... okay, three small problems.

1. they are so dang close and directly on my way home!
2. they have my prescriptions

3. they had crystal light, lemon-lime flavoured on sale for $0.50 a BOX!!!

yup. my cheapness combined with my love of crystal light flavoured water and need for convenience brought me back.

i am such a wimp.

first five ...

2009-01-30T08:47:00.005-07:00

taken from kate's blog:
_______________________

the first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! my choice. for you. this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. i make no guarantees that you will like what i make!
2. what i create will be just for you.
3. it’ll be done this year. {translation: you may be waiting a little while}
4. you have no clue what it’s going to be ... it may be cards, a poem, a bookmark, something yummy or a complete surprise to you (and me!) ... who knows? not you, that’s for sure!
5. i reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog (or if you do not have a blog, facebook) get something made by YOU!

the first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me ...
______________________

thanks, kate, for starting the fun giving circle!!

my etsy friends ...

2009-01-28T09:46:00.062-07:00

after yesterday's post with a link to my friend's etsy shop, i realized i know a couple other cool people with etsy shops! i thought you might like to check out these great sites (complete with a pic of my (current) favorite item they sell) ...

jana is a friend from edmonton, who lives in texas with her hubby and 3 daughters (the two youngest are TWINS). this friendship is a family affair - i knew 2 of janna's brothers when i lived in vancouver, and another here in edmonton (all waaaaayyy back when!). janna is my "go to" girl for baby gifts and her offerings at "teachermom" almost make me want a kid of my own!

amanda is my cool, hip young friend from st. albert - i started out as her mom's friend, but i think amanda has adopted me enough that i can call her friend, too. not only does her store, "spunkyrooster" sell funky jewelry with FANTASTIC names, but she has two hedgehogs - how can you not love a girl with hedgehogs?!?

former roomie from LA, kim, has a fabulous, down to earth, and all around cool sister named lisa. lisa not only writes a sweet blog, but in her "spare time" - do mothers of three actually have that?? - she makes custom stamped silver jewelry with sparklies! her shop, "alittlewhitehouse" has a great variety and you know each piece is made for you when you order - makes me feel special just thinking about it!

so, there you have 'em, cath's endorsements! hope you will check these stores out and share them with friends ... and, since i have shown you some of my faves, you know what to get me for my b-day (june 29th in case you were wondering ...)

how to get on my blog (part 2) ...

2009-01-27T16:43:00.022-07:00

as promised, here is another example of my amazing gift-giving abilities. okay, it is actually just a couple of adorable pics of my friend kris' newest addition to the family - a cute little guy affectionately known as "smudgie." the first pic demonstrates why my gift of choice was so appropriate:

smudgie's mom has had a particularly trying few months - from housebound-new-mother-syndrome, to literal life-threatening pulmonary embolisms, kris has more than enough justification for throwing in the towel - but she keeps an upbeat attitude (even in the midst of the self-titled rants)! she also managed to get a pic for me to post for your viewing pleasure. the gift is home-made by another friend in texas, jana via her etsy store "teachermom":

welcome to the world, smudgie - you are one loved dude!!

letting the creative juices flow ...

2009-01-23T16:44:00.004-07:00

i told my new roomie last saturday night that i was going to a stamp club meeting - and she asked how long i had been collecting stamps! i had to correct myself and tell her it was actually a "stampin' up" club and that we make cards and visit and eat treats and buy card and scrapbook supplies. i actually hung my head in embarrassment and said it was the one thing i do that brands me a mormon more than anything else ... sheesh. so, despite my mumbled-under-my-breath admission re: belonging to a stamp group, i am rather pleased with the cuteness we created! the pictures are from kaylani's cards, as i was too eager to send mine out (hope you like 'em carrie and sarah!) to pause and take a picture ...

so there you have it. my cheesy, (not so) hidden mormon-y obsession.